MODERN cinema is proud to present positive female role models, and what do you do? Enlist them in your sordid imaginings. You should be ashamed: 

Princess Leia, Star Wars, 1977

A headstrong princess, leader of the Rebel Alliance, handy with a laser gun, and you think she’s got time to get you off? When your weird nerd boner is for her in a slave bikini? You deserve the vagina dentata symbolism of being thrown in the Sarlacc pit.

Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1997

She’s a teenage vampire slayer. As in she’s still at school, even if she does attend it dressed like a streetwalker. Sunnydale’s champion is massively given the ick by her unscheduled appearance in your libidinous head but is ready for penetration. Of you. By Mr Pointy.

Daenerys Targaryen, Game of Thrones, 2011

If you paid attention to the subtext, rather than the tits, you’d know the message of the show was that no one person should be held in higher regard than their society for they will inevitably fail. As you would in bed with the dragon lady.

Wonder Woman, 1975

Diana Prince comes from Themyscira, an island completely occupied by women, and not women starving for dick. She would regard your naked form with dispassionate anatomical interest before throwing you a mile into the sea.

Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games, 2008

The girl who’s an expert killer? Is the ultimate end of your fantasy castration? No judgement, some people are into it.

Harley Quinn, Batman: The Animated Series, 1992

She’s crazy and devoted to the Joker, who is a mass murderer. She’s also had something of a queer awakening. And you’re strolling in, demanding she perform for your amusement? You have the f**king nerve?

Black Widow, The Avengers, 2012

There she is, in a team full of the superpowered, without superpowers, trying to save the world. And here you are with a frankly basic fantasy about banging her on a helicarrier. You don’t even get verbally rejected. You get a hair toss as she walks away.

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, 2001

You know how long you have to study to be an archaeologist? You know how many hours she had to put into the gym to be able to do cool flips and leaps over chasms from collapsing minecarts? How about you respect her for that instead?

Furiosa, Mad Max: Fury Road, 2015

Appreciating the beauty of a feminist icon with one arm and a shaven head? Good for you. Furiosa says wank away. Hurry up. Oh, she’s drawn her sidearm.