HOLLY Willoughby, long overdue a turn as a national hate figure, is about to get her moment. We will happily believe she did all these:
The Brinks-Mat bullion robbery, 1983
She was only two years old old at the time – exactly the kind of well-crafted alibi career criminals hide behind. But the disposal of £26 million in gold bars took decades, decades during which Holly was presenting Ministry of Mayhem as if butter wouldn’t melt. How else did she afford such lovely dresses?
Black Wednesday, 1992
Nobody really understands the sterling crisis which wrecked Britain’s economy. Nobody likes to think about it, which suits its smirking 11-year-old mastermind who knew that only a country suffering severe economic recession would need to provide its unemployed with a daytime diet of brain-numbing shit. She’d planned ahead.
Manchester City being sent down to the third tier, 1998
By this time modelling for Pretty Polly, Willoughby decided to flex the muscles which would condemn Phillip Schofield to exile years later. In a series of flirtations with key players including Georgi Kinkladze and Paul Dickov, she managed to distract the team, cause crucial losses at Huddersfield and QPR and send them down while giggling delightfully.
Sex Lives of the Potato Men, 2004
Wholesome, decent family-oriented television could only succeed, Holly knew, if it stood out against a backdrop of vile, shabby depravity. She pulled strings at the National Lottery to arrange financing of a film so depressingly unfunny her own career would soar in contrast to its squalor. Good people had their lives ruined watching it. She didn’t care.
The EU referendum, 2016
Willoughby’s first misstep was beguiling the nation, via This Morning, into such cosy comfort that it imagined nothing could possibly go wrong. Reassured by her daily presence, the UK blithely voted Leave only to see its political systems collapse into a chaotic clusterf**k that lasted years.
Jumping the queue for the lying-in-state, 2022
Overconfident, Willoughby committed her worst and most unforgivable crime: queue-jumping. Claiming to be a ‘broadcaster’ when she is no more than a pretty face covering a sinkhole of debased evil, she finally showed her contempt for her audience, the Royal family and the British people. Suppressed reports she mooned the coffin are accurate.
