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Bank Holiday didn't count because it rained

YESTERDAY’S Bank Holiday did not count because it pissed down all day so can be taken in lieu today, the government has announced. 

Millions of Britons who had planned to spend the day drinking in gardens and parks were devastated by bad weather and forced to drink inside their own homes or, in some desperate cases, resort to a Zoom quiz.

Faced with demands for reparations from furious citizens, the government has agreed that given the conditions, an alternative day off can be taken at any time during the next 14 days and employers do not even have to be informed.

Julian Cook of Warwick said: “After the year we’ve had, it’s unacceptable to spend yet another day trapped in with the kids staring out at hammering rain while swigging gin.

“I, and a number of other people likewise afflicted, had joined together to take legal action against those who allowed this to happen, but a settlement has now been reached.

“If there was rainfall of between 4mm and 8mm an hour for three or more consecutive hours in your area, then the Bank Holiday is declared null and void. You may take it at your leisure over the next fortnight. It’s a victory for the common man.”

A government spokesman said: “We’ve paid half the country’s wages for the last year anyway, so f**k it, why not?”

Five panic orders for when the waiter arrives before you've decided

DINING out? Caught off-guard by a waiter? These panic orders will stop you looking like a blithering idiot who’s been chatting rather than reading the menu: 

‘The pasta’

All restaurants have some kind of pasta dish on their books, even if it’s fennel and asparagus or some shite. So when you’ve spent too long looking at your phone and haven’t even given the menu a cursory glance and the waiter knows it, pasta is a safe bet. A safe, boring bet that will cost £12 for something you could make at home.

‘Pie’

Afraid you won’t get the waiter’s attention again if you don’t order now? A pie fulfils multiple criteria – meaty, pastry, probably chips. It’s a good panic choice if you’re paralysed by indecision and don’t mind the trade-off of spending the rest of the evening with heartburn.

‘Fish and chips’

At least you know what you’re getting, right? You’ll be punished for your lack of imagination, as it’s never as good as it would be from a takeaway and you’ll likely regret spending £12.50 on a piece of batter and precisely five well-presented but bland chips, but at least you’re not holding up the rest of the table.

‘The veggie option’

You thought about going for something healthy tonight but as the waitress breathes down your neck you can’t remember what healthy food is. Vegetables, right? You’ve just ordered breaded mushrooms smothered in melted cheese, but the suffocating weight of choice isn’t crushing you anymore.

‘A basket of bread’

If you’re genuinely too anxious to even blurt out ‘Steak!’ then you could just get into a constant loop of ordering a basket of bread ‘while we decide’, and then another basket of bread, and then another, until you’re asked to leave. It’s filling and cheap. You could do much, much worse, like the fish.

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