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A step towards totalitarianism, and other things nutters think ULEZ will mean

NUTJOBS think ULEZ is coming to enslave and impoverish them, not make the air quality a bit better. Here are the fears of the ones who’ve really lost it:

It’s a tax on white van man

Lairy blokes in fume-belching white vans are the backbone of our society. If they’re forced into driving electric vehicles, where will the woke madness end? Will they have to wear dresses and do drag queen storytimes? White van men care deeply about kiddies when paedos are involved, but strangely they’re not fussed if they can’t breathe due to pollution.

Low Traffic Neighbourhoods are one step from totalitarian control

ULEZ and LTNs are another step on the road to an Orwellian nightmare. You really expect me to believe that having less cars makes our streets safer and decreases road deaths? It actually just makes it harder to escape when the government death squads come to put us all in camps. You are so naive.

Public floggings if you visit the retail park

Instead of constantly driving everywhere, would I prefer something like the ’15-minute city’ concept, with more amenities within a 15-minute walk of my house? F**k off. What I want is the freedom to sit in a traffic jam on the ring road for 40 minutes while trying to get to the faceless retail park on the outskirts of town. They’ll reintroduce corporal punishment for leaving your 15-minute neighbourhood, you mark my words.

It’s all part of the mass surveillance plan started by the Covid-19 hoax

ULEZ is obviously all part of a plan by the shadowy World Economic Forum to create a cashless mass surveillance society, which started with the Covid hoax and will end in the Great Reset when Klaus Schwab repossesses your house. Making some high streets pedestrianised is definitely a sinister staging post on the journey. Wake up, sheeple.

If I can’t drive two minutes to Tesco all the time my life will be ruined

As well as all of the above, I’m a lazy bastard with a weird emotional attachment to my car, and if I’m forced to walk ten minutes to Tesco rather than drive for two, I might get a bit tired. But mainly it’s because ULEZ is a slippery slope into dictatorship, and not because I get out of breath if I walk down a flight of stairs.

Beatles For Sale, and other albums pretentious twats claim are artists' best

EVEN the greatest musicians produce works which are a bit crap. But if you’re a twat this is simply an opportunity to prove your superior, individualistic musical taste. Try claiming these are the artist’s best:

Bad by Michael Jackson

After reinventing pop with Thriller, Michael Jackson handed over production duties to a Casio keyboard from a primary school music room. If you believe that Bad manages to cut through the horrible sounds of the late 80s with Jackson’s best songwriting, then you’re a bellend who’s wilfully ignoring the existence of Off The Wall. 

Folklore by Taylor Swift

Pretentious dicks may be convinced that this is Swift’s mature lockdown album, with lyrics about heartbreak and finding ‘the one’, but the only impressive thing about it is the cynical way it exploits the feelings of teenage girls extremely efficiently. Members of The National and Bon Iver make artistic contributions, no doubt keen to artistically get an artistic share of those artistic royalties.

Hail to the Thief by Radiohead

An album that confirmed The Bends and OK Computer were flukes, some would have you believe that this is the perfect blend of guitar rock and experimental electronica. The truth is that it showcases bloops and bleeps so tuneless, and political sloganeering so nonsensical, it could be a ChatGPT record. The second half of this album is so boring that nobody has ever bothered listening to the final three tracks, not even the wankers who say it’s a masterpiece.

Beatles for Sale by The Beatles

Some hipster type will tell you that this record captures music that’s raw, honest and vital. What actually happened was that George Harrison noodled around on some Chuck Berry riffs without realising anyone had pressed record. The cover photo supposedly captures the band at a moment of burnout and emotional vulnerability, but the actual expression on their faces is guilt; guilt that they’re about to make fans fork out for a load of half-arsed bollocks.

Lodger by David Bowie

It takes a special sort of dickhead to claim this as the crowning achievement of Bowie’s Berlin trilogy. But if Heroes really is a bit meat and potatoes for you, then no doubt you love the lack of recognisable hooks on this damp squib. If you really think the concept of writing multiple songs using the same chords and structure is clever, you must believe Noel Gallagher is a f**king genius.

The Visitors by ABBA

Despair, regret, anger. Not a description of a deep, cathartic collection of songs, but simply the emotions of anyone who purchased this downer of a record. If people are attempting to rip up the dancefloor to these sad tales of war, divorce, and estranged children, then you’ve definitely hired the wrong wedding DJ. Anyone who tries to tell you this is ABBA’s greatest album needs to be pointed in the direction of Two for the Price of One, a song which queasily combines lonely hearts ads with the marketing strategy BOGOF.

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