Celebrity

HARRY and Meghan are back in the UK to smile, wave and nick all the things they forgot first time around. But what are they? 

THE Queen has informed the Duke of Sussex that Royals the king-sized cigarettes are more royal than he and his tart will ever be.

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex have been barred from using their Sussex Royal trademark by the Queen. What brands could they use instead?

PEPPA Pig’s voice actor has been replaced by an unknown, to the outrage of the great British stage actors who auditioned and failed. Here they are.

IT IS true that I have declined all opportunity to be interviewed by New York’s Finest. Because this Prince is one perp no NYPD Blue can break.

INTERESTED in trading C-list status for being an instant right-wing hero and truth-teller? I’ve done it, and so can you by following these tips:

HARRY and Meghan’s withdrawal from the Royal family has hurt me, a member of the media, personally. And I will not rest until they have no security and have been kidnapped by Isis. 

AN idiot has convinced himself that life will be difficult for the Duke of Sussex from this point on. 

ARE you determined to waste your life following the problems of two very rich people you don’t know? You might be one of the following idiots.

HOWEVER hard you’ve tried as a father you’re still nowhere near as great as Thomas Markle, the official world’s greatest dad. Here’s how to be like him.