World wondering when it'll turn on Jennifer Lawrence

THE world’s moviegoers are debating when they’ll decide they can no longer stand actress Jennifer Lawrence.

Movie blogger Francesca Johnson said: My projected date to start despising J-Law is June 24.

I dont know what J-Law will do: perhaps appear in a film I don’t like, or date someone I don’t approve of. Or maybe even just gain or lose weight.

“Whatever it is, something will turn the high esteem I currently hold her into a bottomless well of contempt and disgust that will be my core obsession.”

Film critic Julian Cook said: Fame can be a harsh mistress.

“But don’t worry Jennifer. My love will be eternal, just like it used to be for Heather Graham when she was still young.”

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Earth's crust full of Romanians, says Cameron

DAVID Cameron has urged voters to embrace fracking as a way of flushing Romanians out of the ground.

Cameron said: “Fracking will create 74,000 exciting jobs like working in the media or being a footballer, once Romanians that currently hold the positions underground are washed away.

“Councils will be given 100% of the revenue raised from the Romanians that float up out of the ground, which I’m told make excellent mulch for farm animals.”

The assertions were met with scepticism in Yorkshire, following Tory claims in the 80s that coal mines in the region needed to be closed because they had a really massive spider in them.

The government at the time promised to re-open them once they had gone down there with a 75-foot juice glass and a massive bit of card.

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