THE Vatican has confirmed it will replace the Pope with a rotating series of guest Popes in order to revitalise public interest in the office.
Rather than name a new permanent pontiff the Catholic church is to appoint a new head every two months to stay in the headlines, with the first of the new temporary Popes rumoured to be none other than Lionel Messi.
A Vatican spokesman said: “The conclaves get worldwide attention but then we appoint a 68-year-old cardinal who names himself Gregory XVII and all that falls away.
“So instead we’re putting in guest Popes, each with their own agenda for Catholicism, to really bring the Church roaring back. Get us a bit of publicity that isn’t about covering up sexual abuse or smuggling Nazis to South America for a change.
“First on the papal throne is none other than Lionel Messi, who’s proven box office. Will that tempt longtime rival Ronaldo to step up for his own stint issuing edicts and canonising saints? You’ve got to think!
“Lined up after that we’ve got Martin Scorsese, Bono, Henry Cavill, Jon Bon Jovi, Jenna Jameson and controversial stints from Mel Gibson and Lady Gaga. Look out, Jesus! This ain’t your Daddy’s church no more!”
He added: “And good news for Britain – your two thousand year wait for your own Pope is over. We’ve got Tony Blair pencilled in for February-March next year and Phillip Schofield for 2027. Is he Catholic? He seems the type.”
