MIDDLE-AGED and concerned for your own mortality as guitar heroes and actors of your youth die off by the week? You’ll have the last laugh with these:
Will Smith
If you’re still in your 40s you’re in with a good chance against Smith, aged 54. It’ll be weird though, abstract sadness mixed with realising most of his films were crap: Wild Wild West, After Earth, Suicide Squad. Men In Black, and its theme song, covered many sins.
Nigel Farage
Let’s face it, 58-year-old Farage’s grave will need a sturdy piss-proof cover. There’ll probably be coach tours for that very purpose. Even Brexiters may have lost faith by then, but don’t count on it. Cause of death: a toss-up between his libertarian love of smoking and Satan collecting on the deal.
Glynis Barber
Death does not discriminate between the wicked and the stars of Dempsey & Makepeace. The passing of Glynis, aged 67, will be sad, and all we can do is remember our happy times together, such as her being an intergalactic mercenary in Blake’s 7.
Sarah Vine
Not far past 40? You may yet outlive Mail journalist Vine, aged 55, the human bile-fountain too repellent even for Michael Gove. Her bottomless vindictiveness will not be forgotten.
John Nettles
79-year-old Nettles’s end will be deeply unsettling, reminding you of the transient nature of man’s achievements. As Shelley put it: ‘Look upon Bergerac, ye Mighty, and despair.’
Boris Johnson
At 58, and having lied about his exercise regime like everything else, Boris is unlikely to live to a triumphant 103. Sickening tributes on the Tory-controlled BBC will describe him as ‘Britain’s most colourful prime minister’. Nadine Dorries will sit by his grave like Greyfriars Bobby.
Most of Elastica
Your twilight years will be a Britpop massacre. Elastica may make it, but when they – and members of Echobelly, Menswear, Cast and Lush – start shuffling off their mortal coils you’ll be hardened to it by the earlier loss of much of the shoegaze scene and the Great Madchester Massacre.
Jenny Agutter
The passing of the 70-year-old star of Logan’s Run, The Eagle Has Landed and An American Werewolf in London will leave Britain’s men in a ‘funny mood’ for days, if not weeks.
Piers Morgan
57-year-old Morgan is less much-loved than unavoidable, with his sick Meghan obsession and insufferable ego. Perhaps TV companies may realise viewers don’t want to watch someone they f**king hate? Even so, it will be a shocking moment when he’s finally dead. A little part of you will go with him. You won’t miss it.
