The Eamonn Holmes guide to not being bitter

30th May 2023

YOU can’t hold on to grudges all your life, because in the end? The person you’re really hurting is yourself. Let me help you let go.

For example, you may hold a grudge about someone at a former workplace. Perhaps you feel they got a job you deserved because you and your wife were a proper couple and he was a closeted queen with a wholesome-but-sexy beard.

The past is past. Keeping yourself angry about it can’t change it.

It could be you feel your subsequent career trajectory, which has gone from ITV to Sky to GB f**king News, is entirely the fault of this unnamed individual and that enabling bitch who sits there like butter wouldn’t melt when she knew the whole time.

Don’t nurse that grievance. What’s done is done.

Perhaps the resentment has been kept alive because you were kept on as holiday cover for the bloody golden couple, so while they were off with their kids you and the wife stood in, humiliation written all over your faces as you did the job you apparently weren’t good enough for.

Don’t let your envy destroy you.

Maybe you’ve been spending time with others who suffered at the hands of that same pair of lying pricks, down in the GB News gutter. Perhaps aggrieved nights plotting revenge with the other rejects are all that keeps you going.

You are not your pain.

And maybe your moment has finally come. The lying prick’s finally been caught out, you’ve got the receipts, the media’s paying attention to what you have to say for a f**king change. You’re letting years of bottled-up rancour flow and everyone’s lapping it up.

Let yourself let go.

For more tips on leaving your bitterness behind, join me, Eamonn Holmes, and former This Morning regulars Dan Wootton and Kim Woodburn on GB News, channel 216 on Freeview. Move on.

Seven ways to make films woke that even the woke hate

30th May 2023

DO you support diversity and progressive values? Do you nonetheless hate suffering 120 minutes of clumsy woke propaganda because Hollywood won’t give it a rest?

Men are shit

In the new Indiana Jones, a woman punches the hero’s lights out to stop him being an arsehole. But making male characters useless does not counters centuries of sexism. ‘Hey, men, remember not letting us vote? Well Admiral Holdo was right and Poe Dameron was wrong! The Last Jedi has completely redressed those historical wrongs.’

Women are brilliant

Star Wars’s Rey could do anything, including swim despite spending her whole life on a desert planet while in The Little Mermaid, this time it’s Ariel who kicks Ursula’s arse. Because real empowerment is the woman doing absolutely bloody everything and the men sitting back and enjoying a well-earned rest.

Audiences must be told what’s good for them

Viewers of The Mandalorian recently got a lesson in accepting different body types thanks to cameos by plus-sized heroes Lizzo and Jack Black. Did viewers appreciate having their unrealistic body standards challenged? No, they wanted space bounty hunters killing things and having adventures, the ungrateful bastards.

Endless role models

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever introduced Riri Williams, a young black girl tech genius who’s learning to be a hero. Nothing wrong with that. But the film was largely about Shuri, a young black girl tech genius who’s learning to be a hero. Consequently Riri had f**k all to do and everyone would have been fine without her.

History was wrong

In The Woman King, the kingdom of Dahomey is trying to end slavery (it wasn’t) with the help of the Agojie, all-female crack troops (they weren’t). What’s accurate? Well, Africa exists. Otherwise, history is outdated and in need of revision, and the future will be far happier with our new version detailing the thrilling-yet-adorable war between Nazi zombies and the My Little Ponies.

Minor pointless changes

In last year’s Peter Pan & Wendy, the Lost Boys now include girls. Hardly ruins the film, but it does discard JM Barrie’s message about the foibles of boys, replacing it with ‘girls can be misguided little twats who can’t face reality too.’ If only more children had seen the film to absorb this liberating moral.

Sci-fi and fantasy are the best arenas to address real-life problems

Forget national parliaments, courtrooms, employment tribunals or our day-to-day lives. If we’re to really address the problems minorities face, we’re to do it in dystopian futures, magical kingdoms and remote galaxies. Women who are underpaid and undervalued must feel so validated by this bullshit.