KING Charles III has graciously invited his younger brother not to attend this week’s Buckingham Palace Christmas party. He should also stay home for these:
Valentine’s Day
The 14th of February poses a triple threat for the Duke of York; not only does it centre around romance, its mascot is a nude youth, and it revolves around sending anonymous cryptic messages such as a spy would. It might be wise to seal the windows and doors of the Royal Lodge with metal to the third floor, as with condemned towerblocks, for the duration.
Easter
A collusion of the Anglican Church and the Royal family, both currently scandal-hit, is a serious risk. Prince Andrew drifting through the pews at Westminster Abbey asking choristers ‘And what do you do?’ could be fatal to both institutions. Inform him that, like Jesus, on this occasion he must sacrifice himself for others’ good.
Halloween
Already a popular costume choice for edgy students and celebrities who will be cancelled when the photos come to light. Should the Prince himself venture out, he’ll be surrounded besieged by those fascinated with his eerily life-like rubber mask and trying to forcibly remove it. For his personal safety he should remain indoors with the millions his mother left him.
November 5th
Even worse, due to the burning of effigies. ‘Would that Royal look good on top of a roaring bonfire?’ sparkler-wielding mobs hopped up on toffee apples might ponder, inevitably concluding ‘yes’. Anything as vintage as Prince Andrew would release toxic fumes or foul spirits into the atmosphere, so it’s in everyone’s interest that he sits it out.
Remembrance Sunday
The most sensitive and sombre date in the calendar. An occasion so fraught even the most immaculate of public figures can be embarrassed by laying a wreath incorrectly. We cannot afford to distract from Kate, one of the world’s top mourners, with the Duke of York’s presence. We already have Liz bloody Truss there.
Children in Need
Self-explanatory.
