SADLY my plans to build a fully-functional Death Star on my estate in Somerset have run into objections. Here is my advice on dealing with idiotic planning regulations and whinging locals.
Win over the local community
Local people are bound to be a bit miffed by some big London celebrity showing up and building a fancy orbital battle station. So I make a point of shopping in the village and reassuring people I’m committed to the rural way of life. Not the sex with farm animals and incest, but if they’re into it I’m cool with that, I tell them.
Tell the council it’s something else
Local planning departments bloody love red tape! They’re completely anal about minor details like waste water pipes, extensions not exceeding 4m in height and whether your turbolasers are connected to the mains. I’ve got better things to think about, so I’ve told them it’s a treehouse. Admittedly with a diameter of 160km it’s a bit big for the average child, but it’s keeping them off my back for a bit.
Emphasise the local benefits
With a crew of 1.7 million Imperials, a Death Star is a fantastic boost to the local economy. The landlord of my local pub says he’s never sold so many crisps. I’ll admit there was an unfortunate incident when my Stormtroopers did that massacre, but you’ve got to admit primary school children with their anorak hoods up look and sound a lot like Jawas.
Add to the resale value of your Death Star
As I know only too well from presenting Property Ladder, interior design choices can add thousands to the value of your home – or can knock thousands off! I felt the stark, white, clinical look of the Death Star was a bit 70s, so I’ve gone for more of a ‘modern rustic’ vibe. On these chilly autumn nights I love curling up on the sofa in front of the wood burner and listening to the deafening screams of TIE fighters taking off. Bliss.
Use bureaucracy to your advantage
Currently the council is threatening to bulldoze my Death Star, something about it casting a shadow over France, but I can afford a good solicitor and I’m appealing every single decision, The glacial pace of the planning process means the Death Star will be fully operational by the time the JCBs show up, which changes things somewhat.
Obliterate somewhere as a warning
Sadly people in the local village, Stoney Stoke, wouldn’t stop complaining to the council, so I was forced to give them a demonstration of the destructive power of my new weapon. Blowing up Mars felt a bit OTT, but as you probably know from Rogue One, a Death Star can be put on a lower power setting, like a hairdryer. So that’s what I did and vaporised Swindon. It was as if millions of voices cried out in gratitude.
Cover your exhaust port
My struggle with the council and local residents is far from over, and when you’ve pissed off loads of people there’s always a risk of retaliation, like in A New Hope. But I’ve got that covered because I’ve had the exhaust port bricked up and turned into a guest bathroom.
