THE man who holds Britain’s balls in the claw of his withered hand is open to marriage to anyone who provides soup, it has emerged.
92-year-old Rupert Murdoch, who controls the democracies of the UK, the USA and Australia, is currently dating the mother of an oligarch’s ex-wife after she blew on his steaming bowl of minestrone.
The decaying monster said: “When I was a young man of 79, all I thought about was power. Today, in the maturity of my years, I much prefer soup.
“But somehow – nothing but laziness I’m sure, I remain as vigorous, vital and viciously prejudiced as I ever was – I prefer my soup to be fetched for me by a lady who’s very special.
“Now admittedly I thought the lady who had that place in Rupe’s big heart was a nice strawberry-blonde Christian girl, and now she appears to be a brunette with a Russian accent, but that’s immaterial compared to the quality of this crab bisque.
“It could even be a different girl, given that she’s no longer obsessed with holy war and Armageddon and instead is intransigent on Ukraine being Russian, but I’ll facilitate either as long as the mulligatawny keeps flowing.
“Nadgers to the world. It can burn for all I care. In the final analysis, I prefer soup.”
