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Memoir largely about all the birds I've shagged, confirms Harry

PRINCE Harry has revealed his forthcoming memoir will mainly be about his sex life and shooting the Taliban, with a self-help bit at the end to keep the wife happy. 

The memoir, which has the provisional title Prince of Pussy, will begin as Harry leaves Eton and cover his sexual exploits throughout his gap year, military service and general life as a randy playboy Royal the whole world was looking to bone.

He said: “I do fill in other biographical details – for example, I mention that I came up with the idea of the Invictus Games in Colorado knobbing this truly spectacular American chick, boobs as big as your head – but only as background.

“Basically it’s shagging, shagging, Army, shagging, Army etc. And during the Army bits I flashback to previous shags because I don’t want to bore the reader.

“It’s all in here: Chelsy Davy, Cressida Bonas, that blonde piece out of the Saturdays, the six strippers I played pool with in Vegas. And a few surprising revelations, ie Cat Deeley and Katy Perry.

“I was inspired by looking down at my cock in the shower and thinking ‘it deserves to speak its truth’.”

He added: “And there’s self-help stuff for Oprah. Though frankly I think she’ll be more interested in the time Michelle and I hooked up when Barack’s back was turned.”

Six easy ways to dump your lockdown hookup

DID you start a lockdown relationship, but now it’s freedom time? Here’s how to let them know as painlessly as a ping from the app: 

Ghost

Needs the right circumstances – if you’ve moved in together then not answering texts only goes so far – but if the domestic situation suits and you’re amoral scum, go ahead. You’ve got your jabs and you want to be exposed to Covid risks with other people.

Put it into perspective

With all that happened and such huge worldwide losses, what’s one little relationship? Even if it was love and you borrowed five grand? Nothing. And how better to move on than still being alive? If your soon-to-be-ex disagrees, you feel sorry for them.

‘We were all under a lot of pressure’

It’s a fact that people in intense or stressful situations become attracted to each other, like doctors and nurses or soldiers and other soldiers. So these weasel words might extricate you from the relationship without getting your clothes hurled onto the street while you’re called cheating scum, possibly.

What happens in lockdown…

Imply that three lockdowns over 18 months was like a weekend in Vegas from which both partners emerge smiling and attachment-free. Not a long national nightmare in which you clung desperately to each other with grand promises of what you’d do when it was over.

Prioritise self-care

This great Guardian notion means you can do anything you want to because otherwise you might feel bad, and that’s toxic. Stare into coffee while saying: ‘Things felt right but I’m worried we’ve drifted and I need to put myself first and that’s kinder to you?’ while joining Tinder.

Think twice

Another wave of Covid is inevitable and you might not have time to find a new shag before the imminent lockdown. Temporarily shelve your dumping strategy and put up with your partner finding Doc Martin repeats hilarious if you want another shag this decade.

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