subscribe
/ Sign Out

Kim and Kanye to hold Caligula-themed wedding

THE wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, to be held in Italy tomorrow, will be themed after the cruelties of Rome’s most depraved Emperor.

More than 20,000 Christians, 5,000 Jews and six boatloads of exotic predators are being shipped to the Florence venue to fight and die for the amusement of the couple and A-list guests including Rita Ora.

An insider at the venue said: “The opulent main hall will be atmospherically lit by burning Christians tied to stakes.

“A choir of specially-created castratos, who will be bricked up after the nuptials so their unique voices will never be heard again, will sing That’s My Bitch as the couple walk down the aisle.

“And at the moment they conclude their vows, Kim and Kanye will be bathed in a bloody rain from more than three thousand decapitated doves.”

The ceremony will be followed by gladiatorial games in an outdoor amphitheatre which will pit Christians against lions, men with swords against men with tridents, and terrified servants against the might of a reunited Wu-Tang Clan.

West himself said: “I declared myself a god last year and tomorrow I make my bride – already ruler of her own reality on the E! channel – a goddess at my side.

“Next I will make a horse the hottest star in rap and the other Kardashian sisters my concubines.”

 

Brainstorming ideas recorded and used against you

FRIENDLY brainstorming sessions are used to work out who should be sacked.

Bosses confirmed that the creative sessions, where there are officially no bad ideas, are secretly recorded and every single word is held against you.

Company director Tom Logan said: “These matey little gatherings around a whiteboard with a marker pen are the most perfect way to weed out the chronically stupid.

“So we book a room at a Best Western hotel, lay on some sandwiches and hide tiny microphones behind the drab abstract paintings. Let the brainstorming begin!

“Then every year all the bosses in the country gather at a special boss conference in luxurious surroundings, where we listen to the recordings and laugh uproariously at your very, very stupid ideas.

“Secretaries make a list of all the dullest, most inane or annoying ideas then we all think of a reason to sack those responsible. Also, all your ideas are kept on a massive database. Forever.

“In short, there is almost nothing but bad ideas in brainstorming. And if you say the wrong thing you’ll never work again.”

Logan admitted that stock brainstorming sessions like ‘How can you use a paperclip?’ were moronic.

“The correct answer is ‘fuck off’, but naturally everyone sees it as an opportunity to get one over on their fellow drones.

“You’re so pathetic. It’s brilliant.”

 

Next story ›