NOTHING compares to the sense of freedom you get from leaving magistrates’ court having narrowly avoided a driving ban or prison. As a keen driver, here’s my advice for fellow touring enthusiasts.
No insurance makes you a safer driver
Okay, so I’m in trouble for driving without insurance again. But think about it – if you’re insured, why not just crash into someone and let the insurance pay for it? And most of the time you don’t crash, so it’s a total waste of money you could be spending on something worthwhile, like getting humongous new tits every month.
Fate plays a surprisingly large role in flipping your car
I’m a strong believer in fate. And also tarot, psychics and ghosts. But it’s fate what recently brought me together with Married At First Sight’s JJ Slater. And if fate is responsible for important stuff like me finding everlasting love again, it must have been responsible for me being over the limit while coked-up and flipping my car that time. Bloody fate. I wish it would just f**k off sometimes.
Plan your journey to take in the scenery
A carefully-chosen scenic route makes driving an absolute pleasure. One of my favourite places is West Sussex, where there’s South Downs National Park, Arundel Castle, East Wittering Beach and some wonderful traffic lights to not stop at, leading to a trip to historic Crawley Magistrates’ Court.
Choose the right vehicle for your needs
Someone like me who never drives off-road and has poor driving skills definitely needs a large vehicle which builds up plenty of momentum and gives you a false sense of invulnerability, so it’s a Range Rover every time. However I’ve also got my eye on a pink Porsche GT3RS. They say most accidents are caused by people driving too slowly, so a top speed of 184mph is a safety feature, basically.
Always check your tyres and points on your licence
It’s estimated that worn-out tyres cause a shocking 25 per cent of collisions in the UK. Do the ’20p test’ and check your treads cover the outer band of a 20p coin, and if you’re still unsure go to a garage. Also keep an eye on how many points you’ve got on your licence. They go away after a bit, but the golden rule is: three to nine points, totally fine, 12 or more is bad and you’ll just have to hope the coppers don’t see you. Maybe turn your headlights off at night, that should help.
Cover your miscellaneous motoring costs with OnlyFans
Driving for pleasure can be a pricey business. All the little extra costs add up – antifreeze, a car vacuum cleaner, a copy of The Reader’s Digest’s Most Amazing Scenic Journeys in Britain, and so on. What I’ve done is set up an OnlyFans page for the handful of very sad men who still care about my latest space hopper boobs, and that more than pays for my driving gloves and tyre pressure gauges.
Your latest court appearance is Peter Andre’s fault
If you should find yourself in trouble with the law, it’s not your fault. It’s all those no-good fellas who ruined your life and made you a bag of nerves, in particular Peter Andre. It may sound implausible that a relationship which ended in 2012 could make you forget you’re doing 70mph in a 40mph zone, but that’s how much of a bastard Peter is.
