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Johnson to spend leadership campaign dangling from a zip-wire in Macclesfield

BORIS Johnson is to spend the rest of the Tory leadership campaign suspended 40ft above an Asda car park in Macclesfield.

The frontrunner said he will be ‘incredibly visible’ for the next five weeks but ‘may not be able’ to answer detailed questions about his policies or character.

A spokesman said: “Dangling from a zip-wire while waving little flags is Boris at his best.

“It’s what the party membership wants from him and it sends a bold, uncompromising message to the EU.

“He also thinks that zip-wires are the best solution to the Irish back-stop. You can’t have a hard border if it’s 40ft above the ground. He wants to be sure that the zip-wires could cope with an 18-tonne lorry full of pigs.

“He’s also very excited about going to the toilet while dangling in mid-air.”

Middle lane voted 'best lane'

THE middle lane has been voted British Motorway Lane of the Year.

It is the 12th time the middle lane has won Britain’s top road lane award and finally marks its arrival in the mainstream of places where cars go.

The lane, introduced in 1962, was widely avoided for many years with most drivers believing it to be ‘weird and wrong’.

It seemed British motorists preferred the post-war certainties of either the inside or outside lanes, dependent on key factors such as lateness and mood.

But, as attitudes changed in the early 1970s, drivers began to experiment with the middle lane, alongside other emerging cultural attractions such as bisexuality and free-basing.

Road historian Roy Hobbs said: “People realised the middle lane was lovely and comfortable, especially on the busier roads with their scary outside lanes.

“At the same time drivers realised the inside lane was filled with Austin Allegros and often very slow – to the extent that it started to become known as the ‘slow lane’.

“Many then asked themselves ‘why must I choose to be fast or slow? Can I not simply be the ‘eternal me’?”

Hobbs added: “In France one rarely finds a three lane motorway. For the French everything must be very fast or very slow. They are, basically, animals.”

 

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