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How to cope when your favourite celebrity has been cancelled

HAS your favourite, right-on celebrity been exposed as a hypocritical fraud? Process your feelings with this guide.

Take down your shrine

The candlelit corner of your bedroom dedicated to your favourite celebrity looks a bit iffy now they’ve been cancelled. Best to take down all those posters and bin that life-size effigy you made out of papier-mâché. Do this anyway, whether they’re cancelled or not. Nobody wants Kanye looming over them while they’re trying to have sex, including Kim Kardashian.

Backtrack your opinions

In hindsight, you didn’t like your favourite celebrity that much to begin with. You just happened to own the entirety of their creative output out of spite. And that tattoo of their face inked into your chest? A drunken mistake. If anything you feel vindicated by accusations of their wrongdoing. Proves you were right to hate them all along.

Make your stance known on social media

You don’t know this celebrity and have no connection to them at all. Don’t let your irrelevance stop you from sharing your opinions on social media, though. Otherwise the world might interpret your silence as tacit support for their cancellable actions. You’ve got a big responsibility to your 15 or so followers, so you owe it to them to ignore being a total nobody and wallow in self-importance.

Claim that real-life human connections are more important

Celebrities are just wealthy, glamorous strangers. They don’t care about you like your gran does, but when did you last give her a call? She’d love to hear from you, and you don’t even have to fork out a small fortune on a ticket to see her live. And that’s kind of the problem. Perhaps if gran made the effort to record a platinum-selling hip hop album you’d be more inclined to find the time.

Get obsessed with a different celebrity

If you’re, say, a devastated Lizzo fan, start a rebound obsession with another famous person. Kid yourself that this one will be different and will never hurt you. Follow them obsessively, issue death threats to ‘haters’, make them the foundation of your identity. Then repeat these steps from the top when they inevitably disappoint you with their human failings. Or just choose one that’s so bland they’ll never do anything controversial. You’ll be Adrian Chiles’ first stan.

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Men need to spread their seed

Women can only get pregnant once every nine months, but men can get loads of women pregnant at any one time. So it’s just my natural role to impregnate women and not answer letters from the Child Support Agency. Also, if you don’t have lots of sex, your bollocks explode. That’s what my mate Dave says, anyway, and he was right about Villa beating Fulham.

Men need to keep their hand in

During sex it’s men who do the complicated bits and make all the effort while women just lie there. At least with all the sex I’ve had. It’s vital that we get the hours in, because without constant practise I’d be unable to provide women with two wonderful minutes of skilled, satisfying lovemaking.

Men actually want sex

Everyone knows females are just into romantic stuff and getting married, while men actually enjoy sex. Women would prefer not to do it, but they have to get their claws into a high-status male so they can sit on their arses at home and not have to work. I’ve explained this a million times to ladies, and that’s a lot of drinks in your face.

Men are natural hunters

I see sex very much as stalking my prey before killing it by firing my sharp arrow into its abdomen. You see back in the olden days before computers, men used to go out and get meat for their tribe, and our hunting instinct is still there when we go on Tinder and Hinge. And that’s something to be admired. You can’t call evolution a slag.

Men are better at maths

Studies I distinctly remember but now sadly can’t find online prove that men have a natural aptitude for numbers and science. When we hear that a fellow bloke has slept with 200 women, we know that’s not a huge number, because we’re aware that numbers like a million or even a billion exist. Women, by contrast, think 50 is the biggest number. That’s why all scientists are men.

Men are supportive of each other

There’s no male slut-shaming because men are more loyal and kind to each other than women. We big each other up, whereas women resort to calling each other names. (Okay, men call women sluts too, often after sleeping with them, but that doesn’t fit my argument so I’m going to ignore it.) Yes, the world would be a much more peaceful place if blokes were in charge.

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