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How to be the sort of twat with your own 'personal brand'

DO you want a ‘personal brand’ like the Kardashians or various twats on YouTube? Here’s how to engage in endless tedious self-promotion instead of doing something worthwhile.

View your entire life as ‘content’

Every moment of your life is potential ‘content’ for your blog or Twitter. Annoy your dentist by insisting on Snapchatting the whole appointment or take pouting selfies with your plumber.

‘Curate’ your social media so your life looks less shit

If you’re not in the Kardashian league your life probably consists of lonely Super Noodle dinners and trudging to the corner shop for bin liners. Project a totally different lifestyle on Instagram with endless pictures of cocktails and holidays. It’s not lying, it’s building your brand.

Hire a personal brand consultant

Every bit of advice will be ridiculous nonsense, but that’s what personal brands are about. And it’s yet more bullshit to put on Twitter!

Think every banal thing you say is worth hearing

People with personal brands share fucking everything. Has it just occurred to you that wasps are ‘weird’? Share it immediately. Ideally have a YouTube channel where you can ramble inanely about clothes, celebrity ‘news’ or just the fact that you’re making a YouTube video.

Try, and fail, to be ‘unique’

If you genuinely think personal branding is a good idea, you are already a carbon copy of several million other dickheads out there who are also wearing stupid sunglasses and walking a sausage dog.

Hang out with other personal branding idiots

They are your ‘tribe’, as a thousand articles you’ve read online probably say. They are also bellends. You will probably get on famously.

Family's Easter marred by accidental purchase of xenomorph eggs

A FAMILY’S Easter has been ruined after mistakenly buying the eggs of a fast-growing alien predator.

The Sheridan family’s extraterrestrial Easter nightmare occurred after dad Stephen saw the bargain eggs at a dodgy cash-and-carry where he gets cheap toilet paper and lager.

He said: “Sure, they didn’t look very nice, and there were weird sounds coming from them, but for £1.15 each I thought ‘That’s a fuck of a lot of chocolate’.

“I hid them in the wardrobe but then this morning I found our cat Reggie being suffocated by a creature stuck to its face. I managed to pull it off but it scuttled under the bed.

“I got a cricket bat to kill it with, but when I went back upstairs there were four massive alien bastards running around. I’ve no idea how they grew so quickly without any food.

“I twatted one them but its acidic blood went straight through the floor and melted our new fridge. My wife’s going to kill me. It was a Bosch.”

The family then played a deadly game of cat-and-mouse with the aliens before turning on the gas cooker and blowing up their house, luckily escaping through the patio doors with only seconds to spare.

Wife Donna Sheridan said: “I think one of them escaped and dismembered our neighbours Mr and Mrs Brown. But we’ve never got on since that disagreement about the fence.”

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