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Harry's testimonial sadly light on pegging details

PRINCE Harry’s day in court was depressingly light on rumours of pegging surrounding his immediate family, it has emerged.

The Duke of Sussex’s first day in the witness stand unfortunately contained no further details about the royal sex myth everyone is aware of yet cannot talk about directly for fear of legal action.

Royal correspondent Denys Finch Hatton said: “It was five hours of the usual shit. Government at rock bottom this, fears James Hewitt rumours could have got him ousted that. Not exactly dynamite stuff.

“Addressing the whole strap-on bum sex thing could have really livened up proceedings and maybe even gained him some public support. It’s not like that relationship is going to be saved anytime soon so he might as well go all in. No pun intended.

“Yes, it’s hearsay, but that’s not stopped tabloids running a story in the past. There must be a nugget of truth amongst all those tapped phone calls, and it’s Harry’s responsibility to talk about it. It’s what we pay our taxes for.

“Instead, we’re left to speculate whether [redacted] really does shove a dildo up [redacted]’s arse when they’re not having an affair with [redacted]. Or is it just another case of the press stirring the pot to make money? I guess we’ll never know.”

Prince Harry said: “I couldn’t possibly comment.”

Unashamed office bastard makes himself another selfish coffee

A WORKPLACE prick is heading to the kitchen to make a hot drink without asking a single colleague if they want one.

Self-centred tosser Nathan Muir has chosen to make a brew just for himself, despite having been in a round of three coffees, two teas and an Earl Grey with oat milk since he started the job two years ago.

Boss Donna Sheridan said: “Nathan thinks he’s being slick by pretending he’s going to the photocopier and then making a detour to the kitchen. But we know he’s got his mug stashed in his jacket pocket.

“His other classic routine is to make himself a drink on the way back from one of his lengthy bathroom breaks, then saying ‘Oh, I didn’t realise you wanted one’ when he gets back clutching a piping hot mug. In terms of subterfuge, it’s hardly Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

“Still, we get him back by occasionally gobbing in the coffees we make for him. Disgusting? Yes. Satisfying? Very.”

Muir said: “I’m prepared to be part of a game of saliva Russian roulette if it means I don’t have to make those annoying twats a drink. In fact, it’s the only interesting part of this job.”

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