PETER Mandelson has told a journalist to ‘f**k off’ when asked about Jeffrey Epstein. It’s a shame he only moves in super-rich circles, because it would be fun to ask him these questions too.
‘Eaten any mushy peas recently?’
Hurr, this is funny, because of the story about metropolitan ponce Mandelson mistaking chip shop mushy peas for guacamole. Peter will be quietly fuming about a nobody like you wasting his time with this story that was debunked years ago, so refuse to let it drop and ask: ‘No, seriously, did you feel like a twat when it turned out to be peas?’ A terse ‘Oh f**k off’ should follow.
‘Can you sort me out with a passport?’
Peter will just love being reminded of when he was accused of fast-tracking passports for his rich pals the Hinduja brothers, which permanently damaged his political career by making him the poster boy for New Labour cronyism. Mandelson was actually cleared by an inquiry, but he’s been doing Christ-knows-what deals with oligarchs, billionaires and repressive Middle East states ever since, so it’s Peter who can f**k off in this case.
‘So you definitely didn’t shag anyone underage?’
The Financial Times has assiduously probed Mandelson’s dealings with Epstein, but it’s always in a boring ‘What was the nature of your relationship with Mr Epstein?’ way. The question implicitly hanging over friends of Epstein is: did you shag anyone underage? Being clear about the issue at stake is just good journalism. If Peter didn’t do any noncing, and there is no suggestion he did, good for him.
‘What made you lose the ‘tache?’
Fair question. You’ve always wondered at what point people with moustaches develop self-awareness and realise they look like knobs. When Mandelson angrily tells you to f**k off, don’t worry. He’s just projecting the annoyance he feels toward himself for spending all those years looking like a copper from the 1980s.
‘Did you go to P Diddy’s sex parties?’
It’s admittedly unlikely Mandelson knew P Diddy, due to him not being a big player on the East Coast hip-hop scene. However Diddy and Epstein were both into sex trafficking so it’s worth checking. By now Mandelson will be f**king furious about you wasting his time, so try to ensure you’re in a public space where you can’t be ejected by security. You still have important questions to ask.
‘Didn’t I see you in Rosemary’s Baby?’
This is dead clever because his nickname used to be ‘the prince of darkness’. Mandelson is an unpleasant bastard, but he’s pretty clever so he’ll get the film reference. And be sick of your questions, eliciting the required ‘F**k off’.
‘Being mates with Epstein will give you and Trump something to talk about, right?’
Our new US ambassador may also prefer not to be reminded of having to humiliatingly backtrack on things he’s said about Trump, but suggest they’ll be able to have a good chinwag about Jeff and all his sex crimes. By now Mandelson’s annoyance may be on the brink of spilling over into physical violence, so avoid an ugly scene by bidding him farewell and cheerfully telling him you hope being a sickening Trump toady pays off.
