SCOTS holding grudges are rushing to make hate crime complaints under new laws. Who are you reporting to the authorities? 

Nikki Hollis, call centre operator: “JK Rowling but not because of the trans stuff, because Order of the Phoenix was 766 f**king pages. I haven’t read a book since.”

Susan Traherne, horticulturalist: “It’s got to be your own mother really, if you want it to be just like the good old days of Stalinism.”

Wayne Hayes, carpet layer: “I went for Sawney Bean, the infamous 16th century incestuous cannibal murderer. But apparently he never said anything particularly inflammatory, he was more a deeds guy, so I’m being prosecuted for wasting police time.”

Charlotte Phelps, solicitor: “Everyone I’ve met, spoken to or encountered online since first thing Monday morning. None of them treated me with respect. We’ll see how you like being locked up for looking at me like I’m shite on your shoe.”

Bill McKay, ironmonger: “I want to say my ex-boyfriend. But his were crimes of love.”