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Baby hippo going to be so sexy when it grows up

BABY hippo Moo Deng is cute now but is going to be smoking hot when she attains maturity, social media is agreed. 

The baby pygmy hippo, who lives in a Thai zoo, has captured the hearts of millions not shy to admit they are just waiting for her to come into her full womanly inheritance and start making regular appearances on the sidebar of Mail Online.

Fan Jack Browne said: “Yeah, she’s enchanting. But when she’s fully an adult in three to four years? Watch out.

“Those incredible curves and that toothsome grin won’t be just sweet any longer. They’ll be devastating. She’ll be able to choose any man. DiCaprio will be sniffing around.

“It is unsavoury to speculate. We have got ourselves into a bit of a Charlotte Church situation here. But come on, she’s an absolute bombshell. We’ll do it like we did with Chloe Grace Moretz: look away for a few years then act surprised she’s gorgeous.

“Am I sexualising a hippo? That’s ridiculous. How can you sexualise a hippo? It’s you that’s sick in the head saying that, you freak. I just like watching clips of her and watch them all day.”

Moo Deng said: “From 2028 I will be a celebrity fragrance ambassador for Gucci. They will pay me no less than nine billion dollars.”

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How to survive on the fringes of a pub chat: A guide for shy people

STRUGGLING to chime in at the pub due to your terrible social skills? Make it through to last orders in one piece with this guide.

Laugh when everyone else does

Slapping your knee and guffawing when everyone else laughs will give you a taste of the human interaction you so desperately crave. So what if you didn’t actually hear what your mates were chuckling about and you just tacitly endorsed a deeply problematic joke? For a few fleeting seconds you were sort of part of the group, and you can live off that high for at least an hour.

Offer to get a round in

You’ll have to pluck up all your courage and speak in the loudest timid whisper you’re capable of, but the rewards will be worth it. All of your buddies will excitedly spin round in their seats and start shouting out what they’re having, before promptly turning their backs on you and whispering things like ‘Shit, how long have they been there?’ and ‘What’s his name again?’ to each other.

Pop to the bathroom

Trying to penetrate the outer boundaries of a pub chat can be exhausting, so treat yourself to a well-earned break by heading to the toilet. If you’re a man, you’ll be freed from the pressure of having to think of witticisms even if the urinals are crowded, as society dictates you piss in silence. If you’re a woman though, the group of friends in attendance may just shun you in a new location.

Get your phone out

In the unlikely event that your friends notice your existence this may look rude, so if anyone asks just pretend that you’re looking up bus times. In reality though you’re having a truly great time scrolling through pictures of the night out you’re currently not partaking in. If you look very closely you can just about see yourself in the background. You aren’t tagged.

Don’t sneak off home

Sure, you could effortlessly slip off home, but what if someone sees you as you get up to leave? You’ll have to think of a convincing excuse as to why you’re ducking out, and people are bound to start ripping the piss out of you. No, you’re better off hunkering down and blending into the furniture until a more popular friend calls it a night.

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