A diary of Kate Middleton's exhausting parenting during lockdown

THE Duchess of Cambridge has confessed she is exhausted by parenting under lockdown. Here is her average day:

7am

Kids wake me up as usual – their rooms are 80ft away but sound carries dreadfully in these Georgian country houses. Pull the gold rope next to the bed for their nanny to get them breakfast. Why is everything my responsibility?

8.30am

Wake William up, reminding him that he’s got to Zoom his brother and it’s past midnight in LA so he’ll probably be pissed. Tell him to ask Meghan about my Chanel coat that ‘went missing’.

9.30am

Begin homeschooling the kids. It’s not easy because it’s a mixed-age group and frankly mixed-ability. Poor Louis. Takes after great-uncle Andrew in the smarts department. Today’s lesson is smiling and waving, but at the same time.

11am

Finish screaming at the kids for f**king up their waving. “What the f**k was that?” I bellow at Charlotte. “You’re greeting your subjects, not trying to draw attention after suffering a stroke!” Kick them out into the grounds while I have a swift sharpener from the cognac decanter.

1pm

Completely forgot to do a Tesco click-and-collect so it’s swan for lunch again. The kids start snivelling the minute they see it, and even William rolls his eyes. “If you want something different, tell the bloody cook yourself!” I say, storming out for a fag on the upstairs balcony.

4pm

Wake up – I must have fallen asleep after my lunchtime cognacs – and go down to find William’s buggered off in his helicopter and there’s blood everywhere. The kids have been left unsupervised and they’ve killed a stag again. Pop them in the bath and have the corpse burned.

7.30pm

Finally the kids are in bed and I’m free to do what I want. Finish the cognac, light another gasper and put Bridgerton on.

10pm

Blind drunk, William lands the helicopter far too close to the house and wakes the kids up. “You can bloody deal with them after buggering off half the day,” I tell him, furious. With a long-suffering, ‘why always me?’ expression on his face, he pulls the gold rope.

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How to recover after receiving an energy bill

JUST got an eye-watering energy bill through your letterbox? Thinking of selling a kidney to pay it off? Get over the trauma and start recovering with these tips.

Meditate in a darkened room

Block out the distressing image of a bill with far too many numbers in it by switching off the lights and doing deep breathing exercises. The inhalations won’t make any difference, but meditating in the dark will help stop the meter ticking over. Try to do this 24/7 for about three months.

Connect with friends

Not because they might offer you a sympathetic ear (they won’t), but because they might have a referral code for another energy company. If you get a handful of these codes and switch multiple times throughout the year, you could save up to £11 if you’re lucky.

Consider going off-grid

Briefly consider joining an Amish community before realising that lighting your house with kerosene lamps would be too dangerous for someone like you. The financial savings wouldn’t compensate for having to wear a straw hat and grow a big beard anyway.

Try to find books entertaining

Books don’t need to be charged or plugged in at the wall, but you do need an attention span of more than two seconds to process the words. This will be really difficult if your brain’s been fried by years of scrolling social media, so start with something simple like Where’s Wally?

Confront your problem

Not by changing your lifestyle or buying energy efficient products, but by taking a rubber mallet to your electricity meter. It’ll be ages before a repair man can inspect the damage, and how can they prove it was you? It’s the perfect crime, apart from electrocuting yourself or having no electricity at all.

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