Business

THE UK has properly relaxed for the first time in three years following news that Tesco has returned to profit.

AN OFFICER worker who unwittingly used a forbidden ‘special mug’ is now doomed.

THE secret to becoming immensely wealthy is to not tell anyone about it, according to a new book.

STEEL worker Tom Logan has thanked the government for not saving his job so that he can focus on writing a romantic comedy screenplay.

EVERYONE in Britain is now unable to do the thing they are paid to do after a four-day weekend.

THE UK is buying in six weeks’ worth of groceries to get them through Easter Sunday when all supermarkets are closed.

SPORTS Direct owner Mike Ashley has admitted that he may be forced to discount prices in his stores for the first time.

TECHNOLOGY giant Apple has unveiled a new kind of production line worker that only needs feeding every other day.

A SIX-PACK of Monster Munch and two toffee fudge milkshakes have been added to the inflation basket to stop children whining.

PAYING £250 a year to rent a landline to receive marketing calls on is worth every penny, Britain has agreed.