Business

SIR Fred Goodwin was understood to have lost his mind last night after deciding to give up half his pension and leave his luxury villa in the South of France.

THE near collapse of the UK banking system had nothing to do with the piece-of-shit regulations that govern it, chancellor Alistair Darling will claim today.

BRITISH Airways is giving UK tourists the chance of a free adventure holiday performing menial unpaid tasks at Heathrow's terminal five.

BRITAIN is well on its way to becoming a largely bucket- based economy, it was claimed last night. Press 'play' to get the Daily Mash right in your ears.  

CENTER Parcs, the market leading holiday resort company, has added waterboarding to its list of family-focused leisure activities.

THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night. Click the 'play' button to hear Mash Radio...  

A POSTAL strike across London could leave the capital's skips and alleyways with dangerously low levels of discarded mail, it was claimed last night.

SPANISH banking giant Santander is to dress up its UK subsidiaries with a series of jolly, bright red bow ties, it was confirmed last night.

BANKERS are planning to post every blind child in the UK a poisonous tropical spider in a bid to reclaim their position as Britain's purest form of scum.

LOW-COST airline Ryanair was last night urged to seek professional help.