Business

THE recession is likely to be the shape of quirky Scottish songstress Susan Boyle lying on her back, experts said last night.

BRITAIN'S tax accountants were last night gleefully flicking through brochures for the Bentley Continental GT after chancellor Alistair Darling unveiled radical plans to take more money from rich people.

IN a dual bid to reinvigorate the car industry and reduce road deaths, UK engineers are being given a £100m grant to develop the world's first rubber car.

THE only place where people can buy things has made a huge profit again, it has been confirmed.

THE recession has a sexually transmitted disease that it has been covering up for years, Downing Street sources have claimed.

THE G20 summit made you giggle like a schoolgirl last night after producing a shiny $1 trillion coin from behind your right ear.

MORE than 800 world leaders meet in London today amid the highest levels of security ever to surround an incredibly pointless thing.

WORKERS in the City of London can protect themselves from violent protesters by dressing like scum and talking about something called 'Corrie', it was claimed last night.

BRITAIN has run out of money, the man who prints it said last night.

ENERGY companies will be forced to invent a new range of bullshit excuses for putting up prices whenever they feel like it, it emerged today.