Business

CLAIMS the UK was seeing the green shoots of recovery were withdrawn last night after they were revealed to be nothing more than the mouldy fingers of the recently deceased.

London, 1694: MR Samuel Pepys, the noted sage and diarist, has proclaimed the nation to be in peril after the rates of pecuniary interest reached the abominable level of two in every hundred.

BRITAIN'S estate agents are showing houses to each other to combat loneliness and prevent their traditional skills from dying out.

MARKS and Spencer is to use Irish actress Dervla Kirwan to sack more than 1200 workers.

IPHONES and iPods will start to behave erratically once a month as Apple boss Steve Jobs slowly turns into a girl, it was confirmed last night.

BRITAIN'S banks are to receive more of your money so they can continue to not lend it to you, it has emerged.

THE Bank of England last night admitted the economy was not its strongest subject, insisting it was much better at films and television.

A SAUDI prince with 14 Rolls Royces and a boat the size of a hospital last night decided to put you out of work because he doesn't have enough money.

THE government is lining up a multi-billion pound bail-out for Jaguar so it can keep making absurdly expensive cars that do 12 yards to the gallon.

THE billionaire Barclay twins are to move their private island from the Channel Islands to the Maldives due to a combination of being in a huff and tax reasons.