subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman to get through Tuesday by reminding herself it’s nearly Wednesday

AN OFFICE worker is struggling through Tuesday by focusing on making it to Wednesday, after which there are only two more days until the weekend.

Project manager Helen Archer has spent the morning repeating the words ‘nearly Wednesday’ over and over into her coffee mug like a magic spell against witches.

She said: “If I can get to Wednesday lunchtime it’s downhill the rest of the way.

“I texted ‘nearly Wednesday, lol’ to all my Whatsapp groups. Nobody’s replied yet, but then I haven’t checked my phone for nearly ninety seconds.

“Mathematically Wednesday’s midweek, but emotionally you’re almost done. Thursday’s all about anticipating Friday and Friday is the actual weekend really. It’s just you’re still in the office.”

Archer, who is planning to eat half her sandwich at 11am and the other half at 3pm to trick her brain into thinking she is having a leisurely lunch break, added: “Anyway, bank holiday next week.

“And after that there’s only 11 weeks until my holiday in the Canaries, and after that I really need to start thinking about Christmas.”

Working dogs absolutely despise non-working dogs

WORKING dogs spend most of their days discussing how lazy and entitled non-working dogs are, it has emerged. 

Dogs with jobs in farming, care work or the police believe the way unemployed dogs get housed and fed for free is ‘an absolute joke’ that is ‘ruining this country’.

Tom Booker, a springer spaniel employed by HM Customs, said: “Basket, Bonio, spending half the day up on the sofa. It’s got to the point we’re only working to pay for their Cesar pouches. Makes you fucking sick.

“I don’t know why I bother putting in long days sniffing shipping containers when they get it all for free. Too much pride in myself, that’s my problem.”

Guide dog Roy Hobbs said: “And half of them are foreign. You can’t walk down the street without some bloody Chinese Crested trotting past like they own the place.

“Bring back national service, see how these fancy fucking Bichon Frise handle that. And if they can’t, send ‘em back where they came from.

“No not you Gerry, we’ve always had German Shepherds in this country. I mean the proper foreign dogs.”

Next story ›