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Why I quit my job to make money telling you to quit yours

by aspiration doula Eleanor Shaw

I FOUND freedom and unleashed a creativity I never knew I had by quitting my office job, and now I think you should pay me to tell you that you can too. 

I was earning six figures a year. So how did I find the courage to walk away from that to find a calling that speaks to my passions and true purpose, soliciting easy money from the credulous?

You’re probably thinking I have some kind of family money to fall back on, and I do. But my inheritance and mortgage-free house aren’t the only reasons for my fearlessness. I’ve also never suffered consequences.

I quit my job because I was empty, tired and uninspired. I knew my life could and should be more like the one you see in adverts for Italian beer.

Walking away from everything I knew was scary. Not as scary as it will be for you because of my many safety nets. More of a thrilling scary.

And so I’ve designed a course to help guide you towards a life full of words like ‘abundance’ and ‘authenticity’, available online so that you can benefit from it wherever you are, and I can benefit financially.

The content is as yet unspecified, but I’ll call it ‘a journey’ rather than ‘a course’ and rest assured you will be soul-searching via the medium of a journal and I will be checking my Paypal account via the medium of my tablet.

We are all on this earth to find our purpose, and mine is getting you to pay me to inspire you to do something any sane adult would discourage. What are you waiting for? Change your life today.

An Englishman's home is his prison, and other proverbs for the Brexit-Covid era

OUR lives have changed, and so have the pathetic little life lessons we use in small talk. Try these 21st-century homilies: 

An Englishman’s home is his prison

Proud Englishmen marching around their garden flagpoles in their garden for their daily exercise, forbidden to leave, only allowed to see family through screens: are we not all now masters of our own prisons? Except in prisons they smoke Spice and we only have drink.

A lockdown in time saves nine

Not nine lives, but nine more lockdowns. At the rate of two per year, we’re due another eight lockdowns and another 200-300 government U-turns before this pandemic is over.

Serving food spoils the child

Free food for children will only teach them they deserve to exist even if their parents have made bad choices, like jobs in the hospitality industry. They’ll only lead Britain into a bright new technological future if they’re hungry.

Vote in haste, repent at leisure

Bendy bananas, imperial measurements and blue passports all seemed great things to vote for, but apparently there’s a downside. Boris is a total legend as unsuited to battling a pandemic as Freddie Flintoff would be. And plenty of time to enjoy it.

If you don’t mask you don’t get

Security telling you to piss off when you try to enter Home Bargains maskless? Not listening to your rotating selection of whiny excuses including ‘My grandfather fought and died so we wouldn’t have to wear masks’ and ‘The string hurts my ears’?

A problem shared is a problem exponentially growing

Some burdens are best shared with others. The novel coronavirus, it turns out, isn’t one of them. 

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