A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates:
Generic cheap clothing shop
My first stop sells nothing but garments only suitable for a pre-teen aspiring to be older by wearing tarty tops. These rooms of racks pop up faster than a newspaper paywall, but can they be genuine? Is putting 13-year-olds in Barbie crop-tops a solid business model?
Souvenir shop
I step indoors, surrounded by London bus tea-towels and hoodies bearing the logos of universities that only the well-born should attend. Decent, patriotic post-Brexit goods. But the man behind the counter is swarthy and remains seated despite the many, many representations of the King’s face. Without doubt a front.
Vape shop stroke American candy shop
I do not vape and neither does my husband, so it cannot be profitable. A whole shop for teenage girls and minicab drivers? No. And who would ever want Cheetos Flaming Hot Lime Crunchy for £3.80? ‘I know your game,’ I tell the shopkeeper. He doesn’t react, but I expect the shop will be gone within the hour.
Geek shop
There are those who desire a life-sized replica of Thor’s hammer. But are there thousands of them, popping in regularly? No, they rarely leave their warrens. Therefore this shop exists only to launder funds, to traffick in illegal immigrants and no doubt to deal drugs. I do not even need to go in.
Upmarket gift shop
Could this store that sells £40 candles and probably doesn’t make much money be a wealthy person’s pet project? Surely nowhere with such an extensive selection of reed diffusers can be less than genuine? Or are £15 coasters encouraging the over-consumption of gin the plot to bring down the West that Liz Truss warned of?
Costa Coffee
A scam hiding in plain sight. You can make coffee at home for pennies, but we’re expected to believe people pay £5 for it here? Must be covering for the most heinous crimes imaginable. Not immune to the siren call of vigilante justice, I set a small fire in the toilet bin.
Verdict: The posh shop is genuine because the lady in charge was polite. Shut the others.
