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Pub improves smoking area by adding walls, roof, toilets and bar

A PUB has revamped its smoking area by adding walls, a roof and a bar selling beer.

The Red Lion in Norwich made the changes in response to customer criticism that facilities for smokers were just an unspecified area broadly described as ‘outside’.

Landlord Wayne Hayes said: “This new smoking area has welcoming features like four walls, bathrooms, comfortable chairs and windows with a sticker from the Egon Ronay guide.

“We think our smoking customers might enjoy feeling more like valued patrons rather than a pack of scabby pariah dogs forced to linger around a drain.”

Smoker Tom Logan said: “It’s great to have the area refurbished a bit. The best bit is there’s even a machine that sells fags.”

Hayes added: “I’m thinking of building a shitty little patio out the back for people who want to vape.”

Choose your own Brexit: An interactive fantasy for all ages

PLAY our interactive adventure in which YOU are the brave Brexiteer who can save England from the evil foreigners.

1) You are in a tavern when a stranger called Nigel asks you to go on a quest to leave the EU. If you accept, go to 3. If you decide it’s just xenophobic bollocks go to 2.

2) Oh no! You are trapped in the Cave of Remoaners. Anguished cries echo in the darkness. If you try to escape, go to 3. If you decide to stay, go to 4.

3) You are on the Road to Brexit. Suddenly your path is blocked by the Barnier, a terrifying creature with a foul stench of creamy soft cheese. Roll a dice to do battle. If you roll a 1, you die and must go back to the start. If it’s 2-6 go to 5.

4) You turn into a Remoaner, a slimy creature that refuses to see the many benefits of Brexit. You stay here forever, eating raw fish heads in the dark. THE END.

5) You kill the Barnier with your trusty WW2 bayonet. Villagers flock round saying “Thank you, brave Brexiteer!” and give you roast beef sandwiches. Go to 6.

6) You reach a fork in the road. A sign pointing left says ‘Hellish Multicultural Immigrant Land’. The one pointing the other way says ‘Brexit’. If you turn left go to 2. If you turn right go to 7.

7) You have reached Brexit Fantasy Land! Unicorns are gamboling on the sunlit uplands, everyone is white and Germany has collapsed. You get the odd feeling you’re in a weird, jingoistic delusion. If you ignore it, go to 8. If you realise Brexit is bullshit, go to 9.

8) You live happily in Brexit Fantasy Land. However one day Brexit actually happens and Britain leaves the EU. Go to 9.

9) Shit! You have entered reality! The economy is fucked, Sainsbury’s never has any courgettes and everyone is blaming everyone else for all eternity. THE END.

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