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No-one surprised to discover strange colleague was homeschooled

WORKERS have expressed no surprise that their strange new colleague was educated by his parents.

Staff became curious about Kris Thomas – full name Krishna Birch Apollo Thomas – when he began showing up at different times each day, using the expression ‘my truth’ and discussing moon cycles in meetings.

Deskmate Sally Jones said: “It’s fascinating. He’s never had a TV, he’s travelled all over the world and he calls his parents by their first names.”

However, line manager Nikki Hollis said: “I found him doing yoga in the disabled toilet at 11am this morning – he said he needed to cleanse his flow.

“And he spent four and a half hours on the phone with one customer the other day because he found her story ‘compelling’. Our targets for this month are a shitshow.”

The team was equally unsurprised to discover that their CEO went to boarding school, as he loves rugby, eats meals at the exact same time every day and has a constant, haunted, thousand-yard stare.

Regret spreading across face of woman who just bit into Creme Egg

A WOMAN’S excitement at eating a Creme Egg is visibly turning to remorse.

Onlookers saw Nikki Hollis remove the Creme Egg from her bag and regard it with shiny-eyed anticipation. She excitedly tore off the foil and held the chocolate object to her lips, before biting into it and releasing the vile gloop inside.

Witness Susan Traherne said: “The moment that synth-fondant hit her tastebuds, she knew she’d made a terrible mistake.

“It must have been a long time since she’d had a Creme Egg, and she’d clearly forgotten the weird industrial goo that lurks within.

“Regret became fear as she realised she’d have to eat the whole thing, because you can’t throw away a Creme Egg once you’ve started it.”

Others observed that Hollis appeared to be getting the hang of the Creme Egg, possibly due to it attacking her brain.

Tom Logan, sitting opposite, said: “The first three bites were hard going, but she’s committed now. She’s into the yellow stuff.”

As she forced down the last of the sticky chocolate shell, a triumphant Hollis wiped her mouth with her sleeve and reached into her bag for a second Creme Egg.

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