Arts & Entertainment

SIMON Cowell hopes to revive the embattled X Factor by stitching the contestants together into a 'single entertainment organism'

ROLAND Emmerich says his new film will prove that William Shakespeare was a 300-foot alien.

BROADCASTERS have been attacked for showing graphic scenes of Bono while children could be watching.

ONANISTS around the world will be able to watch Lindsay Lohan's time in remand via $5-per-minute TV, a court has ruled.

MANCHESTER t-shirt vendors The Stone Roses are to reform for a new series of concerts they won't turn up to. 

THE riots which devastated 90 percent of England were just the latest high jinks mind-control stunt by cocky illusionist Derren Brown, it has emerged.

RAPPER Ice Cube's family comedy film Are We There Yet? is to be screened in schools in a bid to make 'gangsta' role models unappealing.

ULTRA-LOCAL television services will give you up-to-the-minute coverage on things like what's happening in next door's garden, it has emerged.

FILMS without merit can now be downloaded without fear of prosecution, it has been confirmed.

THE world's largest gathering of picture-story fans is teeming with adults, it has emerged.