SIMON Cowell hopes to revive the embattled X Factor by stitching the contestants together into a ‘single entertainment organism’.
The sensational, surgery-based surprise follows a desperate few weeks for the show, which has become so nauseatingly abysmal and demeaning that UK television audiences are beginning to consider not watching it.
A Syco spokesman said: “The caterpillar perfectly encapsulates the X Factor ethos – the show is all about everyday people being transformed by creativity.
“Except our finalists won’t actually become butterflies. Rather when the public grows tired of their antics they will be shot and their skin used to upholster pouffes for Simon’s holiday zeppelin.”
He added: “We pumped sedative gas into the X Factor house via the air conditioning. Once the hopefuls were safely unconscious, we sent in demented doctors to sever their knee ligaments so they could only crawl and then stitch them together, mouth-to-anus.
“Naturally Frankie Cocozza is at the rear of this talented tube of humans, because of his annoying hair.”
Flame-haired teen songstress Janet Devlin will lead the grotesque quasi-larva, delivering a haunting rendition of Enya’s Orinoco Flow next Saturday with the other finalists flailing their crippled limbs in a macabre hokey-cokey.
However a show insider claims that the transition from singers to mutilated freaks has been less than smooth.
She said: “There’s been a lot of tears and bleeding in rehearsals.
“What with Frankie being too horny to co-ordinate his leg movements and Misha B aggressively trying to unpick the stitches meshing her to the generic girl group, the centipede is struggling with even very simple dance routines.
“At this rate I doubt we’ll manage much more that a basic scuttle by the weekend.”
