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Zombies, and the other few remaining movie monsters yet to be sexualised

FROM vampires to fish people, Hollywood seems determined to sexualise every kind of monster. Only these few have escaped its perverted gaze.

Godzilla

Toho Studio’s most famous creation was originally developed as a chilling metaphor for the atomic bombs dropped on Japan, which is an uphill struggle in terms of sexual attractiveness. Even if you gave it a six-pack or stuck on some tits, nobody’s going to fantasise about shagging it. That’s why the 50-foot woman was created, and she has practical issues.

Zombies

There are some things audiences are never going to find sexy, and reanimated corpses with their organs hanging out is one of them. Clever directing and sexy make-up can only distract from their hideous, decomposing bodies for so long, plus their lumbering gait and slurred demands for brains indicate that they would be an underwhelming shag anyway.

Xenomorphs

Considering that Xenomorph designer HR Giger created a load of sexually explicit biomechanical art back in the day, it’s somewhat surprising that Hollywood hasn’t adapted more of his work for the big screen. Xenomorphs however remain difficult to sex up. Among numerous problems, if you’ve ever got your privates caught in a metal zip, you really don’t want to risk it with a creature with acid for blood.

Mummies

Egyptian history is brimming with raunchy imagery like Cleopatra bathing in donkey milk and Rachel Weisz in The Mummy. However every film adaptation tends to steer clear of sexualising bandage-clad corpses with their organs scooped out. Although if Hollywood wanted to have a go with Scarlett Johansson playing a sexy undead mummy, you wouldn’t stop them.

Orcs

Saruman’s terrifying foot soldiers were once fit elves like Galadriel, but after being corrupted by Morgoth they became the disgusting creatures you know and fear. Although your girlfriend did go weirdly quiet when Lurtz, the muscular leader of the Uruk-hai, was pulled out of the mud in The Fellowship of the Ring. Wonder why.

Six giveaway signs your partner is only pretending to sleep

IS your partner really asleep, or just pretending in order to avoid confronting reality? If they’re doing these things, they are faking it.

You’re not being pushed to the edge of the bed

A big giveaway when determining whether your partner’s asleep is if you have your own space. If you’re not wide awake, balanced precariously on the edge of the mattress, then he is secretly conscious. Only if you have been pushed onto the floor as they take up all the room are they truly asleep.

You have some of the duvet

If she was really snoozing you’d be uncovered and shivering, desperately tugging at the duvet to unravel the 13-tog Arctic roll that is your partner. But she’s lying on her side, breathing gently with her hair looking great, the lazy cow. You know you’re being seductively told to get up first and make a cup of tea, which of course you will, just don’t let any cold air in.

There’s a lack of noise

Usually when asleep, your partner grunts, snorts and snores like a sty full of randy pigs. The fact that there’s silence can only mean he’s faking sleep so he doesn’t have to get up and close the gap in the curtains. Now you’re locked in a game of chicken. Will you call his bluff, or will you sort what needs to be fixed? The latter, obviously, because it’s less hassle.

The air is fresh

For 16 hours of the day your partner smells like a spring meadow and controls all bodily functions to maintain their fragrant charm. However, when asleep, they lose control and all manner of festering gusts emanate from her liberated digestive system. The fact that the air seems relatively fresh can only mean your partner is awake, and will probably remain so until you fall asleep because there’s a massive one brewing.

He isn’t aroused

Being woken up by a poking sensation in the base of your spine is a regular occurrence, but only happens during sleep as your partner’s far too docile for that to happen at bedtime. Waking up naturally without a morning glory alarm clock going off means he’s probably awake with something on his mind. This is your cue to press the snooze button.

Their pillow is dry

A telltale sign your partner’s awake is that their pillow has no damp patches from drool or sweat. Usually, the second your partner is asleep, they kick off the duvet and begin oozing bodily fluids from all over their face. Give the surrounding area a delicate poke, and if you don’t hear a faint squelching noise then they’re definitely bullshitting.

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