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You can pick a lock wearing tiny shorts: Signs you're a woman in an action film

ACTION movies have a reputation for lazy female stereotypes, but that’s unfair because some women have a name and don’t just scream. Here are the signs you might be one.

You can pick a lock

With a cry of ‘Step aside boys’, a hairclip whipped from your blonde tresses is enough to get you out of any sticky situation. Have you learnt a skill for any other reason than to make surprised men say ‘Woah, she’s good!’ when you show it off? Don’t be silly.

You’re wearing tiny shorts

Men may be encased in body armour, but for you spandex offers way more protection in combat situations. Look at the Royal Marines – head-to-toe in lycra.

You have a strange skillset

You can fly a plane, identify ancient artefacts from any culture and remove snake venom, which you just happened to learn as a medic in Iraq. It’s pretty weird considering most people just do the one career, eg. accountancy. Still, they do say women are better at multitasking.

You have access to constant makeup touch-ups

Despite arduous days in a jungle, desert or ruined city under siege from extraterrestrials, you’ve managed to keep that lip liner pristine. You may have sweated once or twice, but only to create dewy cleavage. Under-boob swampiness is an alien concept.

You can distract enemies with your feminine wiles

Anyone who’s been in a fight to the death knows that the conflict will instantly end if everyone’s distracted by a smile from a pretty lady. Really you could do a lot more good working for the UN.

You have to get changed next to the hero

At some point you’ll have to swap the tiny shorts for something sophisticated like a revealing ballgown. For some reason, the only place you can do this is right next to the hero. He’ll nobly turn away, of course, but that doesn’t mean the camera can’t do a prolonged close-up on your bra coming off. (Obviously the hero will be amazed by a hot woman transforming into a hot woman in different clothes.) 

You know martial arts

Including the physics-defying move of kicking a 250lb man with enough force to make him fly across the room. It’s not a lazy way of making fight scenes more plausible, you’re just really good at it. 

You get kidnapped

For the finale of the film, you’ve been captured by the bad guys. Don’t worry if you die, you’ll be a great revenge plot device for the sequel.

Your guide to fancying your partner's best friend

ARE you stuck in a relationship with someone whose best friend is nicer, more attractive and the one you really fancy? Here’s what to do in this probably-doomed situation.

Try not to make it too obvious 

In a group visit to the pub, don’t sit next to Best Friend and give her your undivided attention as if you’re on the greatest date of your life, all while gazing, rapt, into her eyes. This will look a bit suspect. Throw people off the scent by buying your partner a romantic bag of crisps.

Do not assess the situation in a realistic way

Don’t look objectively at the chances of going out with Best Friend. The romantic traffic is all one-way and nothing is going to happen. This is too depressing to contemplate, so be mature about it and focus on more positive things, like Best Friend’s lovely hair.

Have weird days out

For example: you all go to the seaside. Your partner and a few others decide to visit some crap museum while you and Best Friend have a brilliant time in an amusement arcade then the pub. It’s a weird combination of nice, strange and unsatisfactory, but it can’t be avoided in best-friend-fancying situations. It’s the law.

Avoid verbal sex mishaps

While having sex with your partner, don’t blurt out Best Friend’s name. ‘Leia’ is excruciatingly embarrassing but won’t get you dumped, Best Friend you were in the pub with earlier is a lot worse.

Keep your burning hatred of Best Friend’s partner to yourself  

Best Friend will have an eligible partner. In your childish imagination it’s fine for him to be squished by a train or dissolved in acid or whatever, but don’t let it spill over into real life, for example by picking stupid arguments with him. He’ll win and you really don’t need the extra humiliation on top of imagining them having sex.

Think about the consequences

If by some miracle you started seeing Best Friend, would you really want the guilt of hurting your partner and ruining a great friendship? No. People are quite resilient, though. Look at those guys who crashed in the Andes. They ate each other, but they’re fine about it now.

Be very cautious around large amounts of alcohol

It’s a good idea to avoid being utterly shitfaced and declaring your undying love for Best Friend. The carnage will be so bad you may as well pull the pin of a hand grenade and swallow it. So watch the booze if Best Friend is around. In vino veritas, said the Romans, who must have fancied their girlfriends’ best friends too.

Find ‘love’ with a new Best Friend

The fact that you love Best Friend probably means you’re a bit lukewarm about your actual partner. If you split up that may well be the end of your non-relationship with Best Friend too. You’ll be devastated, but eventually you’ll meet someone else with their own more attractive Best Friend you can be hopelessly besotted with. It’s good to move on.

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