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Woman finally has enough dick pics for game of Top Trumps

A WOMAN has finally collected enough dick pics from Tinder for a game of Top Trumps.

The unsolicited penile portraits have been assigned ratings for Length, Girth, Hygiene, Sheer Laughability and The Ick to make a fun game for women aged between 18 and 80 to enjoy.

Jo Kramer, aged 29, said: “Why let them go to waste, I thought, when you can get a few chuckles out of this relentless cavalcade of off-putting members?

“You might think you’ve got everyone beaten with an especially gross, drooping one then your mate comes in with something so small and crooked it looks like a shrivelled mushroom at the back of the vegetable drawer.

“Or you’ve got a lengthy one you feel can beat all-comers and get totally trumped with a schlong so large it looks like a gardening implement and could clearly never get properly hard.

“They’ve all got the owners’ names on, because why the f**k not, and I’m going into commercial production, because why the f**k not. What are they going to do, sue and let everyone put a face to the cock?”

She added: “How long did it take me to get enough for a full pack? Five days.”

'One adult for the Mario Movie' says history's saddest bastard

THE biggest loser in the planet’s history has asked for one adult ticket to see the new Mario movie, it has emerged.

Tom Booker entered the record books as the most tragic failure to have ever lived after purchasing a ticket to see The Super Mario Bros. Movie on the big screen all by himself.

Cinema cashier Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s not often you witness history in the making at this job. But I already know Tom will be forever remembered as mankind’s most monumental embarrassment.

“As he approached the counter I thought his wife and kids must be in the loo. After all, only the most pathetic human specimens would think nothing of going to watch a lame CGI children’s film on their own.

“When the truth dawned on me I didn’t know whether to be amazed or to point and laugh in his face. I don’t care if the film’s not actually as bad as all the critics are saying, going to see it solo is still socially unacceptable. I made sure to tell him that as he paid.”

The man previously believed to be the world’s saddest bastard, stamp-collecting Whovian bassoon player Martin Bishop said: “All my hard work has been for nothing. There’s no way I can compete with Tom.”

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