EVERYTHING you need to know about a movie can be inferred from its running time, so figure out what you’re watching before you even start:
40 – 60 minutes
Almost certainly a kid’s film, probably animation with a budget that wouldn’t stretch. Expect a nauseating plot about a lost animal learning moral lessons on the way home. Boring as f**k but genially short. Nap your way through it.
60-90 minutes
A running time becoming an acceptable episode length on Netflix. For a movie, a quick blast of entertainment reserved for comedies and cheap action films. Despite brevity, the twat next to you in the cinema will squeeze past half-a-dozen times to go to the bathroom then complain they can’t follow the plot.
90-120 minutes
The optimal movie running time. The length you secretly hope every film is, especially if it looks arty and you’re only watching it because your partner’s making you. Expect a tight three-act structure packed with twists and reveals at perfectly-timed intervals, with enough room for the odd visual gag. Films never need to be longer than this.
120-180 minutes
The cinematic equivalent of a rambling phone conversation with your mum. The story is bloated, there’s no sign of editing, and the plot’s groaning with superfluous characters who never pay off. You’ll want to walk out but you’ve already invested too much time, plus it must surely be over soon. But isn’t.
180+ minutes
Typically made by Martin Scorsese and Peter Jackson, so brace yourself for hours of gangsters and/or orcs. Superhero films are now pushing three hours because nerds will lap up every second, then sit through the f**king credits for an additional scene that will never be followed up.
