subscribe
/ Sign Out

University Challenge Contestant May Not Have Been Worthless Layabout

THE BBC has launched an inquiry after claims a member of the winning team on University Challenge may not have been a lazy, self-indulgent ponce.

It has emerged that contestant Sam Kay, from Corpus Christi College, Oxford, may have actually got off his arse and poked his spotty face into the real world for five minutes.

The University Challenge rules state that all four team members must be work-shy spongers who sit around the common room of their fancy college all day pretending to be Stephen Fry.

But PricewaterhouseCoopers confirmed it employed Kay last October to hang about the office wearing a George at Asda suit while asking one stupid bloody question after another.

Kay said he was an idle show-off when he applied to the show and continued to sleep all morning and then buy cheap, nasty food and watch Celebrity Cash in the Attic in an ironic fashion right up until the quarter finals.

A BBC spokesman said: "The rules are pretty strict but given the number of times Kay actually pressed his buzzer he may as well have been a cardboard cut-out of a trainee accountant."

However the defeated finalists from Manchester insist they do not want a rematch because that would mean less time with their spoilt little faces shoved up their arseholes. Captain Matthew Yeo, added: "It's only 11 o'clock. Leave me alone."

Meanwhile it has emerged that unstoppable killing machine Gail Trimble has become engaged.

Friends say the Corpus Christi winning captain interrupted her boyfriend's proposal during a weekend in Paris after boring him shitless with the exact dimensions of the Eiffel Tower.

'Obscene' Gravity Must Be Repealed, Says Harman

THE government is to repeal the law of gravity because quite a lot of people don't like it anymore.

Labour's deputy leader Harriet Harman said millions of ordinary people were furious that the universal force holding everything in place had been able to get away with it for so long.

She told the BBC's Andrew Marr Show: "Gravity might be enforceable in a court of law, or the universe, but it is not enforceable in the court of public opinion, and that is where the government steps in.

"People in this country want to know why heavy things don't just float about on the breeze like helium-filled balloons.

"Meanwhile ordinary families are dreading September and the prospect of millions of ripe, juicy apples bouncing off their hard-working skulls."

Ms Harman hinted that other universal constants may have to be reviewed, insisting the majority of taxpayers now think the speed of light is 'out of control'.

Clicking her fingers, she added: "It's that quick. In fact it might even be quicker than that. Do we really want light whizzing about the place in such a selfish and irresponsible manner?"

But British businesses have warned they may quit the country if heavy things are just going to float around in mid-air.

A spokesman for JCB, the JCB manufacturers, said: "A 20 tonne earth mover is of little use if it's suspended 40 feet above the earth it's supposed to be moving. You just can't get any purchase."

Bill McKay, professor of contractual physics at Reading University, said: "Let me try to explain this in layman's terms. Harriet Harman is an unbearably ghastly human being who will say and do anything to become leader of the Labour Party."

Next story ›