SABRINA Carpenter has been criticised for simulating oral sex onstage despite her young fanbase. But her concerts could be a valuable learning experience if she just portrays sex realistically. Like this…
Unsubtle attempts to get a blowjob
One of the more common sex acts in real life, this involves the male partner gently pushing a woman’s head toward his penis if she’s already in the vicinity. It’s often fruitless, but could easily form the basis of a playful dance routine. Sabrina’s Please Please Please is the obvious choice of song.
The woman fails to climax
Sabrina could be having choreographed simulated sex with a male dancer, only for it to be over long before she reaches orgasm. Then she’d take matters into her own hands and simulate finishing the task herself to the track On My Way, sending out the sort of insipid pseudo-feminist message her fans love.
Not doing anal
After a spoken preamble in which her partner awkwardly suggests trying anal, Sabrina would wag her finger at him indicating a decisive ‘no’ while dancing around her onstage bedroom confidently. It’s empowering for teenage girls, and men will also find it very relatable.
Premature ejaculation
Sabrina would be at her sassy, sexy best in a typical outfit of stockings, suspenders and sparkly bra, when her new guy turns out to be too ‘quick on the draw’. Sabrina loves to surprise her fans with cover versions on tour, so what better than The Lonely Island’s Jizz in My Pants?
Putting on a condom
Sabrina’s ‘boyfriend’ would go through the usual grief of having to get out bed to find the f**king things, discarding ones that become irretrievably unrolled and losing his erection. Sabrina could simulate putting one on with her mouth as often suggested by safe sex campaigns, but literally no one has ever bothered to do that.
Alcohol-related erectile dysfunction
After hooking up with a guy, Sabrina would simulate trying to masturbate life into a comatose penis while doing exaggerated yawns and eye-rolling to the sound of her aptly-titled collaboration with The Vamps, Hands. After having no success, she and the guy would lie there awkwardly in her giant pink heart-shaped bed before she rolls over with a terse ‘Goodnight’.
Watching porn alone
Grimly tugging away to online porn isn’t massively glamorous, so Sabrina’s version would be glitzier – perhaps her dancing in front of a giant pink mobile phone showing Pornhub’s less misogynistic videos while stroking herself provocatively. It’s odd she hasn’t simulated this incredibly popular sex act yet, but maybe she doesn’t need to grow her fanbase of drooling masturbators.
