LIKE an 80s video nasty or the Star Wars Holiday Special, Masterchef’s Christmas show will never be seen by anyone. These are descriptions of the most chilling scenes. Reader discretion advised:
Terrifying title sequence
A silhouetted, shirtless Gregg Wallace in a traditional festive kitchen, surrounded by models in sexy Santa outfits who eagerly lick his mixing spoon, leaving custard dribbling suggestively from their chins. Why this was agreed to is unclear, but the BBC likes to treat even the shitest celebrities like risen gods.
Towel incident
A variety of distinctly C- and D-list celebs are ushered onto the set for viewers aching to see Una Healey and Richard Blackwood make shortcrust pastry. Gregg greets the female guests wearing only a towel to put them at ease.
Pigs in blankets smut
Cooking begins with the simple challenge of pigs in blankets, which fires up an already inflamed Gregg to run the full gamut of sausage and pork innuendo. Including but not limited to: ‘pulled pork’, ‘sausage sandwich’, ‘rubbed pork’, ‘pork sword’ and ‘How about a nibble on my sausage?’ No-one present will ever find sausages remotely amusing again.
Sexual harassment of gingerbread women
An innocuous tray of gingerbread persons fall victim to Gregg’s banter. He bitterly complains the gingerbread women are ‘flat-chested’ and threatens to ‘decorate them with my own special icing’. Rumours that he did exactly this after filming are unverified.
Sexism-related kitchen accident
The special guests are Dianne Buswell and comedian Chris McCausland. Seeing the former’s bright red hair, Gregg asks whether ‘the carpets match the curtains’. Chris is left to make tempura prawns in a deep fat fryer unaided. A producer is heard saying the screams can be ‘edited out in post’.
Poultry-fisting references
Former Byker Grove actress Donna Air is tasked with stuffing a pheasant. Gregg is clearly aroused, quipping ‘Kinky!’ and ‘That’s it! Get it right up there!’ Gregg then asks Donna if it is the sort of thing she and her husband do at home, as if this is in some way a normal conversation.
Elf genitals
For the climax, Gregg changes into an elf costume consisting of a short tunic and striped tights. And stands there, hands on outthrust hips, proudly displaying a disturbing genital bulge.
The winner is announced
Despite Marcus Brigstocke excelling at the culinary challenges by baking a stunning Christmas sponge cake with an edible Victorian diorama, Gregg awards the allegedly prestigious MasterChef Golden Whisk to Gemma Atkinson while giving her an extremely thorough congratulatory hug.
Gregg violates a dessert
Footage intended to accompany the closing credits is a behind-the-scenes look at the presenters in their dressing rooms. John Torode shows off mementos of trips to his native Australia. Then the cameraman walks in on Gregg aggressively f**king a Christmas pudding with an icing face drawn on. Even then he’s laughing at his own joke about squirty cream.
