THE post-Christmas lull is the ideal time to try out yet another new boyfriend on your family to see what they think. It can’t go worse than these five:
Scott, 2007
Scott was your first boyfriend, had spiky hair, and resembled a boyband member even if it was the one at the back. It was true love so he came for Christmas Day, in hope of a shag and because he only lived a mile away, but he’d bought you a cheap necklace instead of an iPod and leered at Kylie in Doctor Who so you dumped him and your mum threw him out.
Jarod, 2009
Now an adult, you invited Jarod over for Boxing Day lunch. He was two years older and an artist and very sophisticated. Or seemed that way until the first sonorous belch of many, and also his odour was noticeable, and his hair greasy, and he asked your dad if it was okay to skin up. Mum said he wouldn’t be invited again. That wasn’t, it turned out, a problem.
Chris, 2012
Mum loved Chris. From the first moment he complimented her kitchen and she spasmed like he’d performed expert cunnilingus, she couldn’t get enough of Chris. He was an honoured guest for every year of your five-year relationship, his jokes guffawed at, his prosecco complimented. And ultimately, that’s what made you realise what a boring twat Chris was.
Leo, 2019
In trouble already for not being Chris, Leo didn’t help things by pouring himself a treble of your Dad’s single malt and tossing it back. At 10am. On the 27th. Yes, he was something of a party boy but you deserved that, after Chris. Until he laid out lines of sparkle in your parents’ en suite and you realised you’d gone too far the other way.
Ewan, 2025
Didn’t want to come. Finds your mum irritating, your dad silent and your brother-in-law a boastful arsehole. Sits resentfully through the whole day, flicking through the telly and manfully wrestling with the urge to get his phone out. Ready to leave at 5pm and lets out a sigh of relief on the garden path. Finally someone who feels like you do. This one’s a keeper.
