subscribe
/ Sign Out

The Lone Ranger 'not actually alone'

OBSERVANT cinema goers have noticed that the Lone Ranger constantly has another person with him.

US audience members demanded their money back after discovering that the central character spends his time with a companion.

39-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “I love films about social alienation, so I thought The Lone Ranger would be right up my street.

“But, what the fuck, he’s hanging out with Johnny Depp more or less the whole time. They’re chattering away like a pair of old fish wives.

“In fact if you count the horses there’s four of them.

“If it was called ‘The Ranger With A Close-Knit Social Group’ or ‘The Team Player Ranger’ I would be fine with that.”

The Lone Ranger first appeared on screens in the 1950s, when people would watch literally anything about cowboys.

A Disney spokesman said: “It’s not going very well.”

“When it comes out in the UK next month, try thinking of them not as cowboys but as land pirates.”

Protestants parading around like a bunch of dildos again

NORTHERN Ireland’s protestants are yet again commemorating a 17th Century battle by poncing around in their bowler hats. 

The annual parades see thousands of men marching through the streets, many of them playing dainty flutes that make them look like angry little pixies.

But the parades are set to cause tension for the 323rd year in a row because the protestant dildos like to prance around in front of Catholics who, for some reason, do not find them utterly ridiculous.

Julian Cook, professor of religious wind instruments at Roehampton University, said: “This all goes back to the Battle of the Boyne in 1690 when King William of Orange defeated the Catholic King James II by outplaying him on the recorder.

“The victorious William then took James’s bowler hat and skipped around like a tosspot while waving his orange sash in the air, like some kind of Dutch morris dancer.

“Then they had a massive battle because they had all come a long way and it seemed daft not to.”

Professor Cook added: “And so the protestants commemorate this every year to remind the world they are mentally ill.”

Bill McKay, an ‘Orange Man’, from Belfast, marches at the front of the parade and bangs a drum as a reward for being the biggest dildo in his street.

He said: “I’m really proud of my heritage so I painted a massive bowler hat on a wall.”

Next story ›