EVERY Conservative electoral promise is to fix something which was fine before they f**ked it up, it has emerged. 

A new pledge to recruit 8,000 police officers to deal with crime caused by the austerity-era axing of police is the latest half-hearted Tory promise to repair something they have broken as long as you do not say they did it.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “So far they’re protecting pensioners from the cost-of-living crisis they caused, cutting taxes they raised, and giving high-earners back the child benefit they took away. F**king thanks.

“Oh, and we’re getting back some of the GPs they got rid of. And they might reduce waiting lists, if enough people die. And cut immigration back to where it once was.

“What an impressive offer. I haven’t been so won round since the waiter who unzipped his flies and urinated all over our table offered to get us a fresh tablecloth in return for a handsome tip.

“And it just makes you notice all the damage they’re not offering to fix. University fees? Housing shortage? Climate crisis? Not dumping shit in the sea? Brexit?”

A Conservative spokesman said: “Oh, bad luck, you mentioned Brexit so you’re not allowed to vote. Please turn in your polling card.”