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Small town rock band definitely coolest thing to ever happen to small town

ROCK band, Saxwulf, are the coolest thing to ever happen to their hometown and anyone who says different is full of shit.

Experts confirmed there could not possibly have been anything cooler to have happened to Hampton, near Peterborough, not even the opening of the local railway in 1850.

Lead guitarist, Tom Booker, said: “Everyone round here knows it. But I’m glad we finally got the official recognition.

“It was our plan from day one to show this town what we’re made of and I think we’ve totally done that now.”

He added: “The railway did a lot to turn this place from a market town into a more of an industrial centre, but it didn’t rock out like we rock out.

“The next step is to get signed, release an album and then headline Glastonbury.

“Ever see a railway headline Glastonbury? No. Me neither.”

 

Budget calculator reveals you’ve wasted your life

CALCULATORS that show how your petty finances are affected by the Budget are instead offering harsh moral judgments.

Designed to show whether you are better or worse off, the calculators are now telling people they have wasted their time on this earth and that it may already too late to do anything about it.

Carolyn Ryan, from Peterborough, said: “I’ve got savings of almost £900, drive a diesel Ford Focus and earn £41,000 year in marketing, so I was keen to see if my situation had improved.

“But the calculator just said ‘what do you think you are doing?’. Then without prompting it said ‘do you even think at all?’. And then it said ‘go away and be something other than this’.

“And then it erased my hard drive.”

Financial expert Bill McKay said: “Budget calculators want to deal with the really big earners and their bonuses, capital gains and multiple pensions. But those people already have their own budget calculators, which they call accountants.

“This has made the calculators angry, bitter and yet wise. You can resent or ignore them all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that they have calculated correctly.”

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