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'Skip intro' button brutally snubbed at National Television Awards

THE Netflix button that allows viewers to skip short intros was once again cruelly overlooked at last night’s National Television Awards.

Despite saving viewers valuable seconds that they immediately waste watching The Walking Dead again, the popular Netflix button lost out to the likes of It’s A Sin and Ant and Dec.

Netflix engineer Nikki Hollis said: “This is bullshit. That button is the best part of TV. It kept us all sane when we were stuck at home during lockdown, forcing ourselves to enjoy The Queen’s Gambit.

“The ability to skip carefully crafted intros and jump straight to the action is one of Netflix’s biggest selling points. It’s certainly more of an appeal than our original programming, which everyone scrolls past to watch films they already own on DVD.

“If we don’t win a National Television Awards trophy next year then we’re going to remove the button from the site in protest. You’ll quickly realise how much you appreciate it after hearing the Downton Abbey theme for the millionth time.”

Title sequence designer Martin Bishop told Netflix: “Oh dear, is nobody paying attention to your dumb button’s hard work? My heart f**king bleeds.”

Five things trains would have to do to win you back

NOBODY’S using trains because they’re expensive as f**k and always late. Here’s what they’d have to do to be more appealing.

Run on time

If trains are even a second late in Japan heads roll, but in England we’ve got accustomed to them arriving at least twenty minutes behind schedule. As if this wasn’t annoying enough, it means you’ll miss a connection and end up having to kill an hour in Crewe station. Your journey was only meant to take ten minutes.

Introduce more railcards

The young person railcard was useful, and seniors get a discount too, but the rail industry needs to do more. How about a beleaguered commuter railcard for weary drones travelling to the office? Or a discount card for people who never leave their bag on a seat in a packed carriage? Alternatively, trains could just slash all their f**king prices.

Give you treats

People in first class get complimentary coffees and little shortbread biscuits, meanwhile the rest of us slumming it in standard class have to purchase a lukewarm croque monsieur from the overpriced buffet. If the ticket collectors started handing out Refresher bars and bottles of Tango people would return to trains in their droves.

Install massage chairs

Train seats are stiff, oddly sticky like a cinema carpet, and never give you enough leg room. To encourage people back, rail networks should rip them all out and replace them with vibrating massage chairs. You’d be so relaxed you wouldn’t even be annoyed by knobheads shouting down their mobiles about having bad reception.

Sort out the toilet doors

The controls on automatic toilet doors are confusing. Once you’ve figured out how to use them there’s no guarantee they won’t randomly swish open and expose your ablutions to other passengers. Swap them out for heavy duty door bolts you can slide into place with a satisfying clunk and know your private parts will remain private.

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