LOOKING to turn tonight’s cosy Valentine’s evening at home into frenzied, depraved rutting with a curated selection of sex jams? Best avoid these:
Marvin Gaye, Let’s Get It On, 1973
Far too obvious. Your mum and dad made love to this and now you’re here stealing moves off them? You can’t do better than an anthem which soundtracked the creation of Generation X, along with a box of Lindor and basic missionary? Your lovemaking is predictable almost to the thrust.
Donna Summer, Love to Love You Baby, 1975
Strobes, sweat, sex: the trio of titillation. Doesn’t quite work in a beige new-build but nonetheless. Slipping on the 16-minute extended version, featuring no less than 23 simulated orgasms, is only going to highlight your inadequacies as a lover when you’re finished four in.
Poison, Talk Dirty To Me, 1987
Classic glam-rock played by hairsprayed cocks, Bret Michaels’ various romp locations are so electric – the drive-in, the bushes – you’ll be taken back to the wild encounters of your youth, not your current cuddle-fumbles on the sofa in front of Naked Attraction half-pissed on Co-op Prosecco.
Meat Loaf, Paradise By The Dashboard Light, 1978
So unsexy is this entry in the horny song canon that it’s practically contraceptive. Meat Loaf’s perspiration-soaked napkin, ham-fisted baseball double-entendres and at the end of all that it’s a f**king showtune. Tough to keep up with and all over the place rhythmically, it ruins sex even faster than it ruins an evening of karaoke.
Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion, WAP, 2020
A riot of pussy-serving suggestions harder to keep up with than Agadoo, with a particulary emphasis on gushing liquids. Its boasts of ludicrous sexual prowess are guaranteed to give all parties imposter syndrome and guilty feelings about a bucket and mop.
Prince, It, 1987
You can’t go wrong with Prince, many a pair of lovers has thought before trying to f**k through the free-jazz outro to Temptation. This track is more traditionally lascivious, with Prince proclaiming that he wants to do it all the time and that it feels so good it really should be a crime. Meanwhile you’re there having had f**k all sex since Christmas. Prince is looking down on you, shaking his head.
