Shed Seven, and other 90s bands so forgettable you had no idea they'd already reformed

26th September 2024

EVERYONE is still talking about Oasis, but did you know these other bland 90s bands are already touring again?

Cast

A band whose most famous song perfectly describes their very best material: Alright. Bandleader John Power was previously in The La’s, which is a bit like Michelangelo finishing the Sistine Chapel and then dedicating the rest of his career to drawing cocks on toilet doors. Unbelievably, Cast released their seventh album in 2024, making a mockery of the phrase ‘practice makes perfect’.

Kula Shaker

Covid destroyed much that people loved while leaving evils unscathed. As a case in point, Kula Shaker’s most recent albums were released in 2022 and 2024. If their post-pandemic comeback passed you by, it’s because their brand of Eastern-tinged psychedelia is as fun to listen to as small children banging saucepans at 8pm on a Thursday evening.

Shed Seven

Imagine tickets going on sale for a Britpop band’s tour but with no colossal queues or dynamic pricing scandals. You’ve just imagined the Shed Seven 30th anniversary tour. These chancers actually reformed way back in 2007 and have even released a couple of dull new albums. If only you’d known – you could have not gone to see them all over again.

The Bluetones

These guys hit the big time with that song that sounds really like the Stone Roses but not as good. They staggered on until 2011 when they eventually split up, probably out of sheer boredom. Then they selflessly reformed four years later after realising their only value to society was giving pissed middle-aged people a fleeting pang of nostalgia by playing their only recognisable song. You know the one, it’s really like the Stone Roses but not as good.

Puressence

Manchester’s Puressence were the ‘next big thing’ for about a decade. They had a handful of top 40 hits in the late 90s; you probably heard them on Radio 1 and forgot what they went like while listening to them. Songs like This Feeling and All I Want are so generic it proves that AI is perfectly capable of replicating human creativity. Their 2024 reunion gig at the 2,290-capacity Albert Hall was just big enough for everyone who gave a shit to get a ticket.

Sleeper

Remember Sleeper? No? Sale of the Century? No? ‘We’ll spend the whole night making love on the sofa’? No? Female singer? No, not Elastica, they were good. Louise Wener? Fit but thick? Ah yes, now you remember! Fancy listening to their new albums and going to see them live just to hear Inbetweener? No? Fair enough.

Schofield comeback scuppered by sex with younger volleyball

26th September 2024

PHILLIP Schofield’s comeback on the Channel 5 show Cast Away has ended badly after an ‘inappropriate’ sexual relationship with a much younger volleyball.

The former This Morning presenter was to have shared his innermost thoughts while ‘stranded’ on an island off Madagascar, but instead spent his time having love trysts with a volleyball that had washed up on the shore.

A member of the production team said: “We thought it was funny when Phil drew a face on the volleyball and started talking to it, like in the film. Then we heard him say he could help it get a career in television.

“He and ‘Wilson’ started going off into the trees together. Shortly afterwards the volleyball appeared somewhat deflated, due to Schofield making what I would reluctantly describe as ‘orifices’ in it.

“Then the relationship became openly sexual. There’s a big age gap between Phillip, who’s 62, and the volleyball, which was made in a factory last year, so a lot of the crew weren’t comfortable with that.

“Personally I think what people do in the bedroom is up to them, but I’m not sure viewers are ready for a man with a spunk-covered volleyball attached to his knob.”

While there is no suggestion that Schofield has done anything illegal, members of the public said they preferred This Morning segments such as making fishcakes with Clodagh to watching Phillip climax inside inanimate objects.

Donna Sheridan of Braintree said: “Gordon the Gopher must have been stiff as a board.”