RISHI Sunak is increasing defence spending and preparing for war. Would you send your children to battle under his indefatigable command? 

Jim Bates, broadband installer: “My son would fight under a Tory government only. He’s not dressing up in a rainbow uniform for Starmer’s Woke Forces invading Texas in response to misgendering tweets.”

Susan Traherne, mole exterminator: “I’ve prepared my two lads for war with daily 16-hour Xbox sessions, rain or shine. Got them desensitised and drone-ready.”

Lucy Parry, historian: “People sneer at Sunak but his small stature would make him a perfect tunnel rat in ‘Nam, crawling down there, grenade between teeth.”

Steve Malley, software designer: “They must not have heard Edwin Starr’s 1970 hit War, which asks the question ‘what is it good for?’ and answers it ‘absolutely nothing’. Then, in case you weren’t paying attention, says it again.”

Vladimir Putin, president: “Shit, they’re increasing defence spending by 25 per cent? Oh, no, 2.5 per cent. That’s no problem. That’s fine.”