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Radiohead booked for Glastonbury’s ironic Sunday afternoon slot

RADIOHEAD have been booked in Glastonbury’s Sunday afternoon slot for heritage acts whose music young people enjoy ironically. 

In 2017, the Oxford rockers will follow Lionel Ritchie and Dolly Parton by performing to an audience only familiar with them because their dad played their music in his Vauxhall Cavalier when he picked them up from school. 

19-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “Oh wow, Radiohead, I didn’t know they were still going.

“That’ll be perfect for Sunday afternoon at Worthy Farm, when you’re recovering after being mashed off your tits for a properly big act like Rihanna or Ed Sheeran the night before. 

“The good thing about a band like that is they’ve accepted nobody’s interested in their new stuff so they just stick to the hits that you’ve heard in the supermarket.

“What’s that one about it raining? That’s a bit of a singalong number and it’ll be nice to have a band that the whole family can enjoy. Maybe with a nice picnic.” 

A spokesman for the band said: “Of course Thom will be doing his trademark ‘funny dance’. It wouldn’t be a Radiohead show without it!” 

Sad, desperate man thinks woman’s body language is flirtatious

A LONELY man believes he has picked up subtle sexual signals from a female colleague’s behaviour.

Office administrator Tom Logan believes Mary Fisher wants to go out with him after she offered to lend him a book and then scratched her eyelid.

He said: “Most men are hopeless at reading these signs, which is why they miss out on all the opportunities.

“Mary dropped a pretty obvious hint by offering to lend me The Girl on the Train when she’s finished it then touched her face, but I don’t want to get involved in a messy affair with a married woman.

“Yesterday she got quite close to my desk and then offered me a biscuit. She is really is pure filth, that one.”

However Logan admitted it is possible to misread the signs, like when his housemate invited him to an amateur dramatics play she was in and he told everyone they were going out.

He added: “Woman are often hitting on me, like when the woman in the 24-hour garage talked to me for ages about her dog’s yeast infection. You don’t open up like that unless you’re attracted to someone.

“I might write a book called something like The Nine Secrets of Fanny.”

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