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Public school twat making crap gangster film

A FORMER public schoolboy is making a terrible East End gangster movie, he has announced.

Ex-Wellington College pupil Nathan Muir has somehow raised the funds to film 88 minutes of self-penned drivel entitled Dangerous Geezers.

Muir, 25, said: “Geezers is a gritty heist caper about lovable small-time crook Billy Sparrow who gets caught up in a bungled attempt to steal the world’s largest diamond.

“It’s full of brilliant characters like Danny ‘Two Machine Guns’ and Rastus Kingston, the permanently stoned Brixton weed dealer. I also cast my friend Portia as a crack prostitute because she is smoking hot.

“I don’t have any personal knowledge of the underworld but I did my research thoroughly by watching a huge stack of DVDs like Essex Shotgun Bastards.

“Like many films of this genre, I’ve opted to mix violence with comedy. There’s a hilarious scene where the cockney pensioners turn out to be old school gangsters and shoot someone’s head off.

“It is, as they are beloved of saying in the East End, ‘the bollocks’.”

Mum feels pre-emptively guilty about lie-in

A MUM-OF-THREE has spent the night before a planned lie-in worrying about being a lazy cow. 

38-year-old Emma Bradford, who allocates herself two lie-ins a year on Mother’s Day and her birthday respectively, started fretting about her laziness at least a month in advance.

She said: “I don’t know if I can lie in bed as late as 9am, like a grotty student.

“Maybe if I stay awake all night the night before my lie-in, worrying about all the things I’ll have to catch up on after the lie-in, at least I’ll feel like I’ve earned it.”

Bradford’s 11-year-old son Nathan said: “Last time she planned a lie in, we caught her trying to take the bins out at 3am.

“It’s like she doesn’t even trust dad. What’s the likelihood of us causing a second pan fire?

“Mum needs to chill out sometimes. Although when she does it’s less like she’s relaxing and more like she’s having some sort of meltdown, just lying in bed frowning next to a cold cup of tea.”

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